The title of this post totally sums up how I feel about BDing. (baby dancing/sex). It is just a chore that I regretfully have to do in order to try have a baby. If you don't want to read about it, then please skip the next three paragraphs. :)
I desperately would love to WANT to have sex instead of just NEED. But it just ins't like that, it never has been. I've never felt satisfaction from sex, minus one time when someone thought it would be funny to slip me an E, and since the Endo has decided to rear its ugly head its also become painful. And now I'm so turned off that I can't even get 'wet' down there. I don't care if I don't enjoy it, I just want to do it pain-free!
I know DP tries to understand this but its hard on him, and he doesn't understand why when he tries to make a move I say "stop it" and push him away. He just groans, rolls over and sulks himself to sleep. Theres been a few times he's done that and I've cried myself to sleep. I feel like i'm not fulfilling him, like im failing him as a partner.
If anyone knows anything you can take to increase this drive, please let me know. I'm doing some research to see if maybe I can find something. I had to make this post today, even though its very TMI, but I had to finally be able to tell someone. Nobody else I know has this problem, so nobody 'gets' it.
I almost feel like i'm stuck in some double-trap. Life won't let me have pain-free sex and then when I brave it Life won't give me the one thing I'm doing it for. Is there some cruel lesson life is trying to teach me?
OK, back to the clean stuff! :) AF is due in 2 days, I'm still expecting her to come knocking. Had the usual symptoms, bad skin last week which suddenly clears up overnight, hunger, tired. Haven't had the cramps yet though, but they usually show the day or night before. Perhaps the pyschic was right and next month is my month? I will hold on to this hope, and perhaps the faith and hope will make it come true. (Pfft, hasn't worked the last few years but hey, theres got to be a time when it does right?)
I really was hoping it would be soon, even if I don't make it to 13 weeks and I miscarry again im just so glad that it will be miscarriage number 3. Now that sounds like a stupid thing to say "Oh im miscarrying, but its ok because it's the third one!" but the NZ health system does not intervene and test/explore for reasons of infertility/miscarriage until you have had 3. Now THAT is stupid. Have they ever been through 2 miscarriages? Do they realise that 2 are enough to send woman into depression, panic, fear, anxiety and anger? I even tried asking if miscarrying twins could count as 2. Apparently it doesn't. :( Sigh.
Oh well, this is my year. I am determined that 2012 is the year I will become a mum. Obv not give birth, but just in the view that I will make it to the 2nd trimester!