Monday, 30 July 2012

Get to know me.

Hey everyone,

I recently made a video on my Youtube channel that answers a set of questions relating to TTC. If you want to check it out and get to know me a bit better, here is the link. :)

Saturday, 28 July 2012

Your point?

I just had to make a post about this incident. I am so angry/sad/confused by it all.

If any of you have not heard/do not know of the song Small Bump by Ed Sheeran then this might be a bit more confusing, check it out here:

I recieved a text from BestFriend (who knows about everything) saying "Omg have you heard that new Ed Sheeran song on the radio?"
I knew she was talking about Small Bump, which I LOVE, and was thinking oh wonder if she just wants me to know the song exists due to its content/purpose.
Me: "Yeah I downloaded it ages ago because I loved it so much, but now its become mainstream its kind of killed it."
Her: "I thought it was so cute and I was like 'aww', then I heard the end and felt so sad."
Me thinking in my head 'Yeah, try living through it.' Obviously its different getting so far along and losing the baby, but its still a loss.
Me (texting back): "Yeah very. *then changed subject*"

After that we just text about other things so I thought the subject was done. Until later that day after I finished work I checked my phone. There was a text from her, and it read "Ooh so cute, *insert3montholdbabiesnamehere* just fell asleep as that song was playing!"

My reaction was just shock. Thoughts went a little like this, all mashed up in my head... Why the fuck are you telling me this? You realise its a song about a couple who lost their child? Why do you think I would want to know that your newborn healthy baby whom I had to see growing in you while I was going through 2 seperate miscarriages is falling to sleep to the song that I love and relate to because I have gone through said miscarriages? HOW IS THAT CUTE?! Are you trying to rub it in?

I told DP about it to see if perhaps I was over reacting, he just shook his head and goes "She's an idiot." and I could see he wanted to end the conversation as he was feeling down.

Are we over reacting? Did I take this overboard? I know (well i don't think so anyway) she wasn't trying to rub it in and hurt me, but I just don't see her purpose in texting me that? What was the point, and what was my reaction meant to be?

Before she got pregnant me and her were inseperable, we would always be at each others houses and hanging out. We got along about everything, just like most Best Friends.
Then she got pregnant, and I got the green eyed monster. We were still close but I did feel a big envy, but she wasn't really showing so I didn't mind and we got on as we did before. The I got pregnant and we were both so excited. Once I lost them everything changed, if you read previous blogs you would know why, but long story short I now don't feel the same. She is still a friend, but I feel closer to different friends now. Life? Yeap. I still refer to her as BestFriend as I just don't know what to do, and she hasn't changed her feelings...

Sigh. Now a positive! We got a new house, YAY! We move in a week exactly, I am sooo excited. It's a brand new place so it is lovely and has all we could need. :) It does mean there will be a few days where I have no internet however, but its not around O time so it shouldn't matter. Unless O comes early of course.

AF is still here I think, I wouldn't really know whether to say she is or isn't, all I'm getting is light brown discharge twice a day, and it's only about the size of a bottle cap. Had that the last 2-3 days. :/

Very strange! Please let me know if you've ever had this before and/or if you think I was over reacting to Friends text?

Thursday, 26 July 2012

Strange. CD3

Well right when I start thinking "Oh wow AF showed up pretty much on time (1 day late is nothing) and it is actually proper red blood this time, not just the gross brown I had all last cycle."  She likes to surprise me again by leaving just as fast as she came.
Monday night had slightly caramel CM so knew she would be there when I awoke, and sure enough she came on Tuesday. Tuesday was as a normal CD1, red blood little bit of brown, and was medium flow. Wednesday was CD2, which usually is about the same as CD1 for me. But not this time, I had very light flow. Normally after CD3 I can sleep at night with no protection as nothing discharges, but I decided that as Wednesdays flow was so light I would do that early this time and went to bed feeling free.
Today, CD3 I may as well have not wasted a tampon. It was pretty much just brown CM again.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Before the m/c's my cycles were always on time, about 4-5 days long with first two days being medium flow and the last 2-3 light. After the m/c's the first one was extremely light, the second was late again but heavy for 1 day, medium 2, went away for a day and light for another 4, the third was late again and heavy for 1 day, medium 2 days, light for 4. Whyyy must you be so difficult and unpredictable? :(

Also, just wondering, when you have a light cycle is this because your endometrium/lining whatever you call it  was thin?
This scares me as now I wonder whether it is thick enough for a little eggy to burrow into. :( For someone with endometriosis I never thought I would worry about such a thing. Stupid thing can grow all over everywhere else but can't seem to do its job in the right place properly!

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

CD1 HopeCycle

So today is CD1 of the cycle I will call my Hope Cycle. Because I Hope to God that this is it!

I'm excited for it to be over already, but then again who isn't excited for AF to pack her bags and leave. Nobody ever goes "Ooooh yay! My periods here, I hope it lasts another 7 days! It's so cool bleeding from my vajayjay and cramping, and crying, and eating, and bloating, and worrying constantly about leakage, and basically my vaginas interior just ripping itself down so it can rewallpaper next week."
LOL, just as I typed that the TV showed an ad for some "Paste the wall" Wallpaper. Brilliant.
I find it quite a coinkidink that CD1 is also the day mentioned in my previous post, maybe its a sign?

Anywhooo, I made a YouTube video the other day and I love keeping up to date with everyone on YouTube so if you have a channel or know anybody who has a good one please let me know! Or add me so I can subscribe back :) I'm also going to do some hair/beauty reviews soon.

I do get annoyed though sometimes, a big pet peeve is when I see someone post either a blog, vlog, video whatever and it's labeled "TTC journey" etc, and you think 'I'll watch that one, might be interesting'. Then you watch and see they are pregnant, so you think 'Oh yay it's a succesful journey! I wonder how long it took and how they did it', so you get really into it.. then they say "Well we stopped our birth control in January, and I got my first period in February and then in March we found out we were pregnant!"
Are you shitting me?! That ain't a TTC Journey, That's a TTC walk in the park! Can you imagine how many blogs/vlogs/videos there would be online if that was thought to be a journey... Ok, I get that some people want to document their pregnancy starting from conception and fair enough. But please, don't name it TTC, call it a Pregnancy journey. Technically yes they were TTC for a month of two, but that's normal, and when people search TTC journeys they aren't meaning those ones.
Rant over.

What else is new, well this cycle I'm going to take Folic Acid & Iron from the start, so tomorrow because I just decided earlier. I'm also going to start using OPKs from CD10 to make sure we catch that damn egg! Judging by my Fertility tracker O time is about the weekend we are going away to celebrate our 4 year anniversary. Yaaay! And I am SO going to be making sure to leave either the 2nd or 3rd installment of Fifty Shades. If you have read my previous blogs then you'll know I have issues with arousal, but I am so far 1/3 of the way into Fifty Shades of Grey and have discovered that it certainly helps haha.
Before I started reading it DP said to me "In like 9 months there is going to be a Fifty Shades baby boom." and I totally agreed! Now I can't help but wonder, will we be part of that baby boom? Can we, please? Where do I book tickets...?

Tomorrow I am also going to look at a couple of houses for rent. We are getting sooo sick of where we are now. It's winter here in NZ and this place has no heating, so we have an electric heater we plug in that sucks all our electricity. It also has an older style kitchen which I hate because the wood has been painted and the draws stick, and no matter how much you clean it looks dirty. The kitchen has no dishwasher which is annoying when we cook something or have a lazy day because the dishes just pile up and look bad. Then you can never get dishes as clean with hand washing and I always panic about bacteria/germs. These new places are much more modern, both have a heat pump and dishwasher. One is brand new and the other is more 90's but I'm excited. Yaaay! And this time we won't live above our landlord, who is a dodgy person. Not dirty dodgy, but sneaky dodgy. :/ Anyway, that's a whole diff issue.

 Well I'm off to bed now to read some more of Fifty Shades, lets see what time I tear myself away tonight. :)

Tuesday, 24 July 2012

Happy? Birthday

Dear My Babies, 

24 July 2012. The day I was going to have you, my babies. Whether you came earlier, or you made it to inducement day, today you would be here with me and your daddy.

This is the only picture I have of you, inside my belly at just a tiny 9 weeks old. We had heard your hearts beating and we were so excited. You were making mummy so tired and feeling bloated, thats why my pants are undone. Haha. 
We miss you all the time, even though we do not say it to each other we say it to ourselves and we both just know. You have given me so much strength I never knew I had in me, I can tackle anything knowing that things will get better.
I hope you are looking over us my angels and that one day you can look over your little brothers/sisters too. 
I have so much I wish I could say, but I can't I just don't have the words. 

Mummy and Daddy will never forget you. We love you. xo Happy Birthday

Sunday, 22 July 2012

Body Schmody

So I am currently very angry at my body.

Since I had the miscarriage in March it has just not returned to normal, and I miss my old body. :( I don't like this "new normal" my body has decided upon.

1) My cycles are now 36 day average, not the old 28.
2) My hair is always frizzy/flyaways and frequent dandruff
3) Constantly chapped lips. I apply chapstick religiously and they just don't go away, perhaps due to number 4?
4) Sleep with my mouth open all the time. Whyyy?!
5) My neck/face has now got an acne issue, i mean I used to get pimples but now its like proper acne. Redness, groups of 'pimples' some of which are deep large bumps, they never seem to go away, and my pore's are huge!

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and just cried. I hated myself. I still hate my body.

Has anyone else had this kind of thing happen? I would not mind all these if it meant I had my bundle of joy still with me, but really? I had to go through the loss and now live with these horrible stupid reminders.

Thursday, 19 July 2012


No More! Please please please STOP.  I apologise now for any swearing that may follow...

This week is turning to hell. Shit. Garbage. Whatever you wanna call it.

There are pregnant women everywhere! On TV, at work, in the street. I feel like they are stalking me. And then, to top it off, I go on FB and see an old mate comment "Its Baby Time!" as his partner was in labour. Urgh, really. It was hard enough that they announced their pregnancy at the time I lost the twins, but now when it was supposed to be their week to arrive they freaking have theirs. :/ I know i know, you can't stop having a baby just because someone you know was due to have their babies that you didn't know about, and  it's just shit timing.

FML. I'm sick of waiting! I want to be pregnant NOW. If I was, even if I was just four weeks and still scared pantsless of loosing it, I would be happy looking at them saying "That could be me soon!" and rub/talk to my baby. :( IT'S NOT FAIR. Life's not fair.

And tomorrow I get to go with BestFriend to the hospital with her 8week old for his hearing test. Yay, surrounded by children/babies again. Woo. Grr.

Monday, 16 July 2012

I'm Baaaaack

Holidays are over! :) And I have a few updates, some good, some bad. I'll start with good and go down to bad...

I'm tired but so energetic at the same time, and loving being able to relax and have "me" time at night now instead of just sleeping. Which is when I get to come on here yay!

Where am I at at the moment? Well, we have not had sex in the last month. So this month is NOT our month obviously, unless my name is now Mary, but it's ok because I really wasn't that keen on the timing. I don't know what it was but I just wasn't feeling it, however I am feeling F&*#ING positive about next month. Don't know why, but I am. And that's got to be a good sign! :)
Anyway, last month I said that my cycles have now become longer and I had being missing Ovulation because it was later than it previously had been. Well, just to trick me my body has decided to go back to it's regular pattern and I ovulated earlier than I expected, so the same as I used too. Thankfully my OPKs arrived, so I am going to definately be able to catch it next month. That little eggy is NOT going to get away...
Just between you and me, I also am being sneaky and I am ordering some Cassava tablets. Cassava (a type of Wild Yam) is known to increase the chances of having twins, and be it that I'm still not over the loss of my twins or that I just think it'd be so amazing to have twins again, but I really really really just want to try. It's hard getting over the loss of a child, and i'm just finding it so much harder thinking that it may have been my one and only chance of having twins. Twins are special, and I lost that. What if I never get the chance again? What could be the harm in trying? Losing another set I guess would be a harm, but at least I try.
Has anybody ever tried these before or heard of people using them?

Speaking of the twins, this past weekend knocked me for six. I logged on to good old Facebook, and see a post "(Person) is expecting twins, poor f*&ker". Sigh. 1) Ouch that not only do they get to have a baby, they get to have twins and 2) If you knew the pain some people go through you would never call anyone blessed with twins a poor bleepbleep. I would kill to have them (obv. as i said in above paragraph).

Secondly, to rub salt in the wound, this week is the week. It is the week I was due to be induced, it was to be my twinnies birthdays, I was going to become a mummy to the world and bring my bubbas home. I was going to meet them, introduce them to everyone and hold them. How am I meant to feel? I don't know. I'm sure I'm allowed to be upset, but at the same time I feel like I'm not allowed to bring up something that happened so long ago. We lost them 6 months ago, that's a long time. But in my heart it feels like just yesterday again.

I can definitely tell AF is coming to visit soon, I look like i'm 3 months pregnant im so bloated and its driving me crazy! So crazy infact, it gave me that final push to join a gym! :) I'm quite excited, and I've thought about posting a few pics to show my progress. It could go from unfit - fit - baby bumps. :) Hopefully! And it'd help motivate me! Nothing worse than showing the world that you've fallen behind to help push you forward again.

Please everyone, don't forget to check out my pages (tattoo etc) and give some feedback, and also subscribe to my Youtube channel! :) Search me, OnceUponABFP and watch me as I update my life and so some occasional beauty reviews. I will be posting new videos tomorrow :) YAY!


Sunday, 8 July 2012


The other night after making the last post I sat thinking about how over the last month I've been really enjoying life. I have been going out with friends, really socialising and getting to know all the people I never really see. Its amazing.
I then realised that this month was not going to be my month, I just knew. Next month is more our time.
Then when checking my phone I realised that one app said 6th as O Day, and the other said the 9th. I was like " is the 6th!" and just as my body works with my mind and its previous thoughts about 'not this month' I was sooooooo shattered that night that I just feel asleep. Naked from the waist down. being the 8th I wasn't totally sure whether O had happened or not anyway.

Today I recieved my package of OPK's just in time to check whether I was O'ing. Now I'm not good with the whole OPK thing, but I followed the instructions and after 10min I checked and there was a line, but it wasn't as dark, so I understood that that meant it wasn't O time.
BUT, im not sure whether that means its BEFORE O time, or whether it also goes faint AFTER O time?
Can anyone help me on this please?

Friday, 6 July 2012

Show time!

Eeek its O time, well at least I think it is. P Tracker says it is, all three of them actually say different stages of O time but they all say I'm fertile! And I have some white discharge, been to busy to stop and check it out totally so don't really know what colour/stickyness etc.

Unfortunately my OPKs STILL have not arrived! >:( It's only coming from Aussie, how can it take so long?!