Had a very depressing night last night. Had a shower, had a hot drink, ate half a block of chocolate and cried myself to sleep finally at about 1am. Oh the joys of being a TTC woman receiving yet another period.
I thought I hated periods when I was 16-17, well geez I'd go back now if I could! They were a breeze.
I did make another video this morning, which is on my channel now, just to update where I am at. Which is what I like to call No-Womans-Land. Because, I am not a man. Clearly. However that could explain a few things...hahah kidding.
NWL is a special place I am currently residing as I am not "abnormal" enough for the medical system to step in and help, but I am not "normal" enough for my body to just work and have a baby. I'm sure I'm not alone in NWL, but it certainly feels it at times!
I have made a few decisions last night in my anger & sadness.
- I am getting a tattoo. I always wanted one one day when I knew it would mean something, this journey of loss means something to me. I will start a page and show you all some ideas on what I want, and get suggestions in the next few days.
- I am also going to start a list of stupid things people have said to me during this time that cut deep, or are just plain insensitive. I carry them around with me and they make me angry, so maybe I can stick them to something else and not my mind.
- Friends are over-rated. My best friend has a newborn, 1 month on weekend just been, and I feel like now i'm just this "add-on" friend. She thinks shoving her child at me and me being "Aunty" is helping, look sometimes I just don't want to hold your baby. No, i don't hate him, I just want space. I want to approach this at my own pace. I also am not part of this special club, the 'Mummy Club'. ALL her other friends she hangs out with are Mums, and they go off and have play dates and plan things, but I'm not included. Obvs because I'm not a mum to a live baby. Well, sorry about it. I don't mind they do this, but ALL the time. Her partner is also planning to pop the question, and I was like "oh, wonder if he'll ask for some help and do a big surprise thing." Turns out he is, but no he's not going to ask me for help. He's asking the new best-friend, the one with a baby, though. Nice. Thanks. Excuse me while I plaster my face with a fake smile and plan for what dress I might wear, cause obvs its Mums Club for the bridal party.
I am doing dinner on Thursday night however with some friends that I haven't really spent time with lately. One is a mother to two, but she doesn't rub it in, she knows girl time is girl time and not brag about my babies time. One is a nanny, looks after children like I do. And the other is a miscarriage survivor and knows about my twins loss. So overall, I think I'm pretty excited. :) DP doesn't like most of them, but DP doesn't like anyone. I swear, finding a female friend he likes is impossible! All of them annoy him in some way. Too bad.
Wow, this post is longer than I thought it would be. I would be able to keep going except I have got to get going to work. Eeek. :) TTFN. Maybe tomorrow AF will grace me with her presence and I will have something to look forward too.