Time to sink in

Well I have had time now for it all to sink in, and today I went to my doctor and got my blood test for all the general pre-natals and also for my thyroid and diabetes test. They took 6 vials, I was peaking myself when I saw them all. I do NOT like blood being removed from my body via a tube.

Today I am 4 weeks + 2 days I think, YAY. My temperature took a big rise this morning also which made me feel a bit better. And thank you SO much to all who have wished me well! :)

So anyway, I also remember seeing this cute little jumpsuit a week ago and saying "If I conceive this cycle it's so true!"  I can't find a picture anymore but it simply said "Im a Laters, Baby" Hahah. And it was so true as the weekend we conceived I was reading the second book of the 50 Shades trilogy, my favourite of the three. Nooo I was not all hot & heavy because of the sex scenes, I actually skim all those and just read the back story. But it got me thinking about all these new babies that will be born due to the phenomenon as the 'Grey Boom'.
Atm, I have a 'Grey Boom' baby. I also think the name Christian will be making a huge comeback, but not for me.

OMG! I just realised I get to think about baby names again, legitimately.  Oh the fun I will have! :)

Well I must go to work now, but just a quick not letting you all know I updated the video from my post below as I realised you couldn't see the lines on the test so have added pictures to the end.

Where To Start?

I'm back from my holiday, boo. This will probably be a short blog, and then in a few days I'll probably do a long one as I finally remember everything I want to write about.

Well whats been happening in my life?

• Moved into new house. And when I say new, I mean new. Brand spanking new and it's amazingly warm and comfortable. Can definately see this helping our journey as now I'm so much more relaxed and happy and warm!
• Had our 4 year anniversary last week, DP bought me some flowers and breakfast. We haven't bought proper presents yet as all our money that fortnight went into moving and weekend away.
• Went away for the weekend to the beach. Yes, beach in winter! It was amazing weather and warm, got to laze on the deck with a drink in the sun staring out over the sea. Bliss.
• Ovulated on Friday just been, very positive test. Yay! These OPKs are helpful as my P Tracker told me I wouldnt be ovulating yet, and My Days was saying that was the day and I had no idea which one to go off! Guess it was My Days for the win.
• That makes me now 3DPO and into the 2WW. Urgh. I'm not sure how I feel about it now, I was so confident this cycle, now I'm into the 2WW i'm just not sure. :/
• Started properly using my Fertility Friend chart today. So it looks absolutely boring with only one temp on it. I know, I know, today at 3DPO is not a good time to start charting! But if I didn't do it now then I'd never get around to it.
• I have resolved I NEED to go to the gym more, as in start. My thighs and my belly have expanded and I just don't want to wear tight tops anymore as I HATE the look of my gut. :(

So, that is all I can think of ATM. I do however also have a few questions for all you lovely ladies! (D will love this as it's about OPKs :P )

• On FF when charting, what do they consider a 'positive' OPK? Is that from when I first see a line, or is it when I first get the dark line thats stronger than the control?
• What's a normal temperature? I entered my 11am temperature (yes, not a good time) but that's when I remembered. I am going to start doing them when I wake up tomorrow onwards, but anyway at 11am today my temp was 36C. Compared to other peoples charts this is a very low temperature, I've been feeling cold a lot more than other people but whenever I've had a check up the Dr has never said anything? 

I feel like this charting thing is going to make me more obsessive compulsive about this TTC than before haha, I'll be always looking at my chart. 

I will be making a video hopefully on Wednesday, was hoping to today but I have run out of time before work. And tomorrow my friend is coming around, with her baby, urgh. I always dread this time. I used to look forward to her visits, now they are just filled with her pushing her baby at me. It's almost like she is trying to make me feel better about not being able to conceive by giving me her child for a few hours a week and honestly that's not what I want. Its not MY baby, I DON'T want YOUR baby.  Just let me admire him as I'd like and not push him at me like a teaching tool. I will learn how to parent when I become a parent, and when you try tell me about how to I become agitated and annoyed. I'm not a pet project.

Honestly, I am the type of person that when I become pregnant/a mother to a live baby if someone tries to tell me "Do this, do that" "This is how I do this.." "This is the right way to..." "I do..." etc I will dislike them. Obviously there are exceptions, such as nurses/midwife and my own parents. But everyone else I don't want to hear it, I want to learn it and live it myself, don't spoil this learning experience for me!

That was a bit of an unexpected rant. Lol. And now I must go to work, so until next time TTFN lovelies.

PS: Big congrats to D (http://mylifeisaboutthejourney.blogspot.co.nz/) on her BFP! :) FX for a happy healthy journey.

Hmmm...

The other night after making the last post I sat thinking about how over the last month I've been really enjoying life. I have been going out with friends, really socialising and getting to know all the people I never really see. Its amazing.
I then realised that this month was not going to be my month, I just knew. Next month is more our time.
Then when checking my phone I realised that one app said 6th as O Day, and the other said the 9th. I was like "uh-oh..today is the 6th!" and just as my body works with my mind and its previous thoughts about 'not this month' I was sooooooo shattered that night that I just feel asleep. Naked from the waist down. Hahaha...today being the 8th I wasn't totally sure whether O had happened or not anyway.

Today I recieved my package of OPK's just in time to check whether I was O'ing. Now I'm not good with the whole OPK thing, but I followed the instructions and after 10min I checked and there was a line, but it wasn't as dark, so I understood that that meant it wasn't O time.
BUT, im not sure whether that means its BEFORE O time, or whether it also goes faint AFTER O time?
Can anyone help me on this please?

Mental Body..

My body is driving me mental! I've been getting tiny amounts of brown since AF went away, and I don't mind it as its such a small amount I don't need a tampon/pad.
But I've also had this really bad neck, woke up Friday unable to look left without pain and nausea. It's slowly been doing away since and today it seems fine.
Also have this weird feeling in my chest, between my ribs underneath the boobs. Its like some popping bubble beating thing, and when I put my fingers there I can feel it moving. It's annoying.

My body just can't be fine for one week! School holidays start next week and I'm going to be run off my feet, I don't need my body making me feel down.

Anyway, on happier notes. :) Had dinner the other night, and it was so good catching up with the three. No babies, no baby talk, just good old girls chat. And of course cocktails! We went to the pub after to meet up with DP and that was fun also, but I felt so sick and tired we left early.
On the weekend I caught up with one of them again at her house, and with her two kids. They were so cute! I had a cuddle and a play and I was fine, it was good. I just felt comfortable.
We all made plans to do dinner again next week. :) Going somewhere flash this time, but not going to town after.

I ordered some OPKs online also, so I will be using them this cycle. I decided I needed them as the chart I had been using wasn't accurate, I think since my last miscarriage all my periods and ovulation have gone off time. So last month it turned out I ovulated much later, so I totally missed the egg!

We have booked a weekend away for our 4 year anniversary in August, and I'm so excited! I will also be ovulating at that time. :P I know that's 2 cycles away so I'm not sure whether I want to do it this cycle or next, be kind of cool having Baby conceived on our anniversary.
Another reason its a special time is because that week is when the Twins were due. I'm sure DP knows this too but neither of us want to say it.

Everyone who reads this should also go to my Tattoos page and put down their thoughts/ideas. I know its my choice, as its for me, but its nice to hear others POV too.

Still Preparing + NWL

Gaaaah! Still just getting this STUPID brown discharge. Just bleed and get it over with AF! You are my least favourite Aunt. And that's saying something because I only have 2.


Had a very depressing night last night. Had a shower, had a hot drink, ate half a block of chocolate and cried myself to sleep finally at about 1am. Oh the joys of being a TTC woman receiving yet another period.
I thought I hated periods when I was 16-17, well geez I'd go back now if I could! They were a breeze.


I did make another video this morning, which is on my channel now, just to update where I am at. Which is what I like to call No-Womans-Land. Because, I am not a man. Clearly. However that could explain a few things...hahah kidding.
NWL is a special place I am currently residing as I am not "abnormal" enough for the medical system to step in and help, but I am not "normal" enough for my body to just work and have a baby. I'm sure I'm not alone in NWL, but it certainly feels it at times!


I have made a few decisions last night in my anger & sadness.

• I am getting a tattoo. I always wanted one one day when I knew it would mean something, this journey of loss means something to me. I will start a page and show you all some ideas on what I want, and get suggestions in the next few days. 
• I am also going to start a list of stupid things people have said to me during this time that cut deep, or are just plain insensitive. I carry them around with me and they make me angry, so maybe I can stick them to something else and not my mind.
• Friends are over-rated. My best friend has a newborn, 1 month on weekend just been, and I feel like now i'm just this "add-on" friend. She thinks shoving her child at me and me being "Aunty" is helping, look sometimes I just don't want to hold your baby. No, i don't hate him, I just want space. I want to approach this at my own pace. I also am not part of this special club, the 'Mummy Club'. ALL her other friends she hangs out with are Mums, and they go off and have play dates and plan things, but I'm not included. Obvs because I'm not a mum to a live baby. Well, sorry about it. I don't mind they do this, but ALL the time. Her partner is also planning to pop the question, and I was like "oh, wonder if he'll ask for some help and do a big surprise thing." Turns out he is, but no he's not going to ask me for help. He's asking the new best-friend, the one with a baby, though. Nice. Thanks. Excuse me while I plaster my face with a fake smile and plan for what dress I might wear, cause obvs its Mums Club for the bridal party.

I am doing dinner on Thursday night however with some friends that I haven't really spent time with lately. One is a mother to two, but she doesn't rub it in, she knows girl time is girl time and not brag about my babies time. One is a nanny, looks after children like I do. And the other is a miscarriage survivor and knows about my twins loss. So overall, I think I'm pretty excited. :)  DP doesn't like most of them, but DP doesn't like anyone. I swear, finding a female friend he likes is impossible! All of them annoy him in some way. Too bad.

Wow, this post is longer than I thought it would be. I would be able to keep going except I have got to get going to work. Eeek. :) TTFN. Maybe tomorrow AF will grace me with her presence and I will have something to look forward too.

Urgh...Do we have too?

The title of this post totally sums up how I feel about BDing. (baby dancing/sex). It is just a chore that I regretfully have to do in order to try have a baby.  If you don't want to read about it, then please skip the next three paragraphs. :)


I desperately would love to WANT to have sex instead of just NEED. But it just ins't like that, it never has been. I've never felt satisfaction from sex, minus one time when someone thought it would be funny to slip me an E, and since the Endo has decided to rear its ugly head its also become painful. And now I'm so turned off that I can't even get 'wet' down there. I don't care if I don't enjoy it, I just want to do it pain-free!
I know DP tries to understand this but its hard on him, and he doesn't understand why when he tries to make a move I say "stop it" and push him away. He just groans, rolls over and sulks himself to sleep. Theres been a few times he's done that and I've cried myself to sleep. I feel like i'm not fulfilling him, like im failing him as a partner. 


If anyone knows anything you can take to increase this drive, please let me know. I'm doing some research to see if maybe I can find something. I had to make this post today, even though its very TMI, but I had to finally be able to tell someone. Nobody else I know has this problem, so nobody 'gets' it. 


I almost feel like i'm stuck in some double-trap. Life won't let me have pain-free sex and then when I brave it Life won't give me the one thing I'm doing it for. Is there some cruel lesson life is trying to teach me?


OK, back to the clean stuff! :) AF is due in 2 days, I'm still expecting her to come knocking. Had the usual symptoms, bad skin last week which suddenly clears up overnight, hunger, tired. Haven't had the cramps yet though, but they usually show the day or night before. Perhaps the pyschic was right and next month is my month? I will hold on to this hope, and perhaps the faith and hope will make it come true. (Pfft, hasn't worked the last few years but hey, theres got to be a time when it does right?)


I really was hoping it would be soon, even if I don't make it to 13 weeks and I miscarry again im just so glad that it will be miscarriage number 3. Now that sounds like a stupid thing to say "Oh im miscarrying, but its ok because it's the third one!" but the NZ health system does not intervene and test/explore for reasons of infertility/miscarriage until you have had 3. Now THAT is stupid. Have they ever been through 2 miscarriages? Do they realise that 2 are enough to send woman into depression, panic, fear, anxiety and anger?  I even tried asking if miscarrying twins could count as 2. Apparently it doesn't. :( Sigh.


Oh well, this is my year. I am determined that 2012 is the year I will become a mum. Obv not give birth, but just in the view that I will make it to the 2nd trimester! 

O Week

So one more week gone by, and it was O time! :P I really wasn't in the mood though as I've been so down lately. We managed to BD twice though, so hoping we caught the eggy. I think we missed actual O night, but go the night before so FX. Might (big MIGHT) BD again tonight in case of late O.


I try using all those fertility apps; My Days, Period Tracker and What To Expect Fertility, but they never seem to match up to each other and just confuse me more. :/ Grr.


My skins also getting really bad this week, my forehead is just blowing up with pimples which is really weird to me. Also had really dry cracked lips and dry scalp so I'm going to check out maybe I'm lacking some vitamins.
I'm really bad at remembering to take tablets so hopefully not ha ha.


I deleted my You tube intro video, I didn't like it so I'm going to make a new one next week. Maybe Tuesday, and I'll post it online and link it here. Then later in the week I'll do an update story and maybe a make-up/style one. I find it hard to do style ones as I wear a uniform 5 days a week so mostly my style is on weekends when DP is home and he doesn't get it.


Anyway, we are going out for dinner soon for my dear dads bday so I best get ready and go get him a present!

New Design/Vlog

So I just started designing the page more so its prettier. Puuuurdy :P
Its always more interesting to read stuff when the page looks good haha.


I've also uploaded my first video onto Youtube. I'll give you a link so you can go watch it if you want, I'm not sure I like the video so if it disappears then thats why. But it will be replaced by a new one that I'm happier with.
I video'd on a bad angle and I wasn't really sure what I was saying haha.


http://youtu.be/e9pklUGTxDA <-- Theres the link. :)

Getting creative

I have decided Im going to start a vlog type thing on Youtube about my journey also. So I will be doing these written blogs and video blogs online too. I've always wanted to have a Youtube channel, and I thought about a beauty/style one but I don't really buy enough clothes regularly or change my makeup around that often enough. Haha.


I have started taking my Blackmores Conceive Well tabs again, think I might have mentioned that last post too, so hoping like heck that it helps. Plus it makes my skin better :P 




:) Oh well, this was just a quick blog post as I've got to jump in the shower and wash off my hair dye.

AF Gone

Well AF has gone after her visit last week, she was unusually long n heavier which I found strange. Ohwell maybe my body needed it.


Next week should be O week, DP is looking forward to it. Haha, typical males ae.
Started taking my Blackmores Conceive Well tablets again to see if maybe they will help and hopefully get some of my levels up.
Plus for the last month my skin has been really bad in one area and im hoping this will fix it, my hairs also been quite bad. :/ The little things that annoy us ae haha.