Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TTC. Show all posts

Wednesday, 22 August 2012

I Sucuumbed

..I did it. I POASed. Does that even make sense? I pee-on-a-sticked? Hahaha, well you all know what I mean!

I'm not even sure how to feel now.
Sooo.... check it out below, a picture and a video of my LIVE pregnancy test. Then read futher underneath for my thoughts.

 

So how do I feel? Scared! Nervous, anxious, excited, scared. Can you tell I'm scared? I said I felt confident this cycle but now its happened I am sooo not. Third times a charm? Or will this be my third time so I can get proper help? I am obvs hoping for the first, not the later. 
I am EXTREMELY glad I have my appointment now to get my thyroid checked tomorrow so I can get onto this early. Yay! 
Feel free to check out my FF chart also, which didn't last long! Haha, typical right.

I'm not even sure what to write right now. :/  So I shall go feed my face, it's 10pm and I've already had tea at 7pm and a snack since, and drink loads more water because I can't stop!

PS: Hello to all the ICLW visitors! I hope to get to read about you all this week! 

Monday, 13 August 2012

Where To Start?

I'm back from my holiday, boo. This will probably be a short blog, and then in a few days I'll probably do a long one as I finally remember everything I want to write about.

Well whats been happening in my life?


  • Moved into new house. And when I say new, I mean new. Brand spanking new and it's amazingly warm and comfortable. Can definately see this helping our journey as now I'm so much more relaxed and happy and warm!
  • Had our 4 year anniversary last week, DP bought me some flowers and breakfast. We haven't bought proper presents yet as all our money that fortnight went into moving and weekend away.
  • Went away for the weekend to the beach. Yes, beach in winter! It was amazing weather and warm, got to laze on the deck with a drink in the sun staring out over the sea. Bliss.
  • Ovulated on Friday just been, very positive test. Yay! These OPKs are helpful as my P Tracker told me I wouldnt be ovulating yet, and My Days was saying that was the day and I had no idea which one to go off! Guess it was My Days for the win.
  • That makes me now 3DPO and into the 2WW. Urgh. I'm not sure how I feel about it now, I was so confident this cycle, now I'm into the 2WW i'm just not sure. :/
  • Started properly using my Fertility Friend chart today. So it looks absolutely boring with only one temp on it. I know, I know, today at 3DPO is not a good time to start charting! But if I didn't do it now then I'd never get around to it.
  • I have resolved I NEED to go to the gym more, as in start. My thighs and my belly have expanded and I just don't want to wear tight tops anymore as I HATE the look of my gut. :(

So, that is all I can think of ATM. I do however also have a few questions for all you lovely ladies! (D will love this as it's about OPKs :P )

  • On FF when charting, what do they consider a 'positive' OPK? Is that from when I first see a line, or is it when I first get the dark line thats stronger than the control?
  • What's a normal temperature? I entered my 11am temperature (yes, not a good time) but that's when I remembered. I am going to start doing them when I wake up tomorrow onwards, but anyway at 11am today my temp was 36C. Compared to other peoples charts this is a very low temperature, I've been feeling cold a lot more than other people but whenever I've had a check up the Dr has never said anything? 

I feel like this charting thing is going to make me more obsessive compulsive about this TTC than before haha, I'll be always looking at my chart. 

I will be making a video hopefully on Wednesday, was hoping to today but I have run out of time before work. And tomorrow my friend is coming around, with her baby, urgh. I always dread this time. I used to look forward to her visits, now they are just filled with her pushing her baby at me. It's almost like she is trying to make me feel better about not being able to conceive by giving me her child for a few hours a week and honestly that's not what I want. Its not MY baby, I DON'T want YOUR baby.  Just let me admire him as I'd like and not push him at me like a teaching tool. I will learn how to parent when I become a parent, and when you try tell me about how to I become agitated and annoyed. I'm not a pet project.
Honestly, I am the type of person that when I become pregnant/a mother to a live baby if someone tries to tell me "Do this, do that" "This is how I do this.." "This is the right way to..." "I do..." etc I will dislike them. Obviously there are exceptions, such as nurses/midwife and my own parents. But everyone else I don't want to hear it, I want to learn it and live it myself, don't spoil this learning experience for me!

That was a bit of an unexpected rant. Lol. And now I must go to work, so until next time TTFN lovelies.

PS: Big congrats to D (http://mylifeisaboutthejourney.blogspot.co.nz/) on her BFP! :) FX for a happy healthy journey.

Wednesday, 1 August 2012

Sigh CD8.

Today was NOT a good day. I feel like I blog more about bad things than good recently? Hmm must try remember to post good days too.

Anyway, I woke up today early and snoozed again for a bit. Then I got a text and I was stuck awake, I knew straight away that I was not going to have a good day. 
Started off pretty slow and easy just packing some stuff for our move this weekend.

I was just grumpy. Got grumpy at DP, got grumpy at BFF and grumpy at life.
It's almost like my AF side effects are a week late.

Tomorrow I am determined to have a better day. :) We are getting keys to our new place tomorrow which I am stoked about! We will probably start moving some boxes in. 
Packing is soooo annoying, I've packed the bathroom and our wardrobe completely. (Minus the basics out of bathroom we need) Lounge is mostly big items we can't put in boxes, Kitchen I am waiting till Friday to pack because we do need to eat, and the Spare bedroom is half packed and half not. I told DP that was his job. Hence why it is still in the state I left it.

Bonus, while I was in Spare room other day I did find a Basal Thermometer as I was packing some stuff! Never even knew we had one, I am planning on giving it a clean and then seeing if it still works. 

Combined with my first month of OPKing this is getting quite exciting. On the subject of OPK, I have a few questions for you all:

1) Whens the best time of day to do one?
2) What day do I start them? (I was thinking tomorrow or next day)
3) Is there anything I can't do around testing time?

Any help or feedback would be greatly appreciated! :)

Monday, 30 July 2012

Get to know me.

Hey everyone,

I recently made a video on my Youtube channel that answers a set of questions relating to TTC. If you want to check it out and get to know me a bit better, here is the link. :)
http://www.youtube.com/user/OnceUponABFP/videos

Wednesday, 25 July 2012

CD1 HopeCycle

So today is CD1 of the cycle I will call my Hope Cycle. Because I Hope to God that this is it!


I'm excited for it to be over already, but then again who isn't excited for AF to pack her bags and leave. Nobody ever goes "Ooooh yay! My periods here, I hope it lasts another 7 days! It's so cool bleeding from my vajayjay and cramping, and crying, and eating, and bloating, and worrying constantly about leakage, and basically my vaginas interior just ripping itself down so it can rewallpaper next week."
LOL, just as I typed that the TV showed an ad for some "Paste the wall" Wallpaper. Brilliant.
I find it quite a coinkidink that CD1 is also the day mentioned in my previous post, maybe its a sign?


Anywhooo, I made a YouTube video the other day and I love keeping up to date with everyone on YouTube so if you have a channel or know anybody who has a good one please let me know! Or add me so I can subscribe back :) I'm also going to do some hair/beauty reviews soon.


I do get annoyed though sometimes, a big pet peeve is when I see someone post either a blog, vlog, video whatever and it's labeled "TTC journey" etc, and you think 'I'll watch that one, might be interesting'. Then you watch and see they are pregnant, so you think 'Oh yay it's a succesful journey! I wonder how long it took and how they did it', so you get really into it.. then they say "Well we stopped our birth control in January, and I got my first period in February and then in March we found out we were pregnant!"
Are you shitting me?! That ain't a TTC Journey, That's a TTC walk in the park! Can you imagine how many blogs/vlogs/videos there would be online if that was thought to be a journey... Ok, I get that some people want to document their pregnancy starting from conception and fair enough. But please, don't name it TTC, call it a Pregnancy journey. Technically yes they were TTC for a month of two, but that's normal, and when people search TTC journeys they aren't meaning those ones.
Rant over.


What else is new, well this cycle I'm going to take Folic Acid & Iron from the start, so tomorrow because I just decided earlier. I'm also going to start using OPKs from CD10 to make sure we catch that damn egg! Judging by my Fertility tracker O time is about the weekend we are going away to celebrate our 4 year anniversary. Yaaay! And I am SO going to be making sure to leave either the 2nd or 3rd installment of Fifty Shades. If you have read my previous blogs then you'll know I have issues with arousal, but I am so far 1/3 of the way into Fifty Shades of Grey and have discovered that it certainly helps haha.
Before I started reading it DP said to me "In like 9 months there is going to be a Fifty Shades baby boom." and I totally agreed! Now I can't help but wonder, will we be part of that baby boom? Can we, please? Where do I book tickets...?


Tomorrow I am also going to look at a couple of houses for rent. We are getting sooo sick of where we are now. It's winter here in NZ and this place has no heating, so we have an electric heater we plug in that sucks all our electricity. It also has an older style kitchen which I hate because the wood has been painted and the draws stick, and no matter how much you clean it looks dirty. The kitchen has no dishwasher which is annoying when we cook something or have a lazy day because the dishes just pile up and look bad. Then you can never get dishes as clean with hand washing and I always panic about bacteria/germs. These new places are much more modern, both have a heat pump and dishwasher. One is brand new and the other is more 90's but I'm excited. Yaaay! And this time we won't live above our landlord, who is a dodgy person. Not dirty dodgy, but sneaky dodgy. :/ Anyway, that's a whole diff issue.


 Well I'm off to bed now to read some more of Fifty Shades, lets see what time I tear myself away tonight. :)

Tuesday, 19 June 2012

Still Preparing + NWL

Gaaaah! Still just getting this STUPID brown discharge. Just bleed and get it over with AF! You are my least favourite Aunt. And that's saying something because I only have 2.


Had a very depressing night last night. Had a shower, had a hot drink, ate half a block of chocolate and cried myself to sleep finally at about 1am. Oh the joys of being a TTC woman receiving yet another period.
I thought I hated periods when I was 16-17, well geez I'd go back now if I could! They were a breeze.


I did make another video this morning, which is on my channel now, just to update where I am at. Which is what I like to call No-Womans-Land. Because, I am not a man. Clearly. However that could explain a few things...hahah kidding.
NWL is a special place I am currently residing as I am not "abnormal" enough for the medical system to step in and help, but I am not "normal" enough for my body to just work and have a baby. I'm sure I'm not alone in NWL, but it certainly feels it at times!


I have made a few decisions last night in my anger & sadness.


  • I am getting a tattoo. I always wanted one one day when I knew it would mean something, this journey of loss means something to me. I will start a page and show you all some ideas on what I want, and get suggestions in the next few days. 
  • I am also going to start a list of stupid things people have said to me during this time that cut deep, or are just plain insensitive. I carry them around with me and they make me angry, so maybe I can stick them to something else and not my mind.
  • Friends are over-rated. My best friend has a newborn, 1 month on weekend just been, and I feel like now i'm just this "add-on" friend. She thinks shoving her child at me and me being "Aunty" is helping, look sometimes I just don't want to hold your baby. No, i don't hate him, I just want space. I want to approach this at my own pace. I also am not part of this special club, the 'Mummy Club'. ALL her other friends she hangs out with are Mums, and they go off and have play dates and plan things, but I'm not included. Obvs because I'm not a mum to a live baby. Well, sorry about it. I don't mind they do this, but ALL the time. Her partner is also planning to pop the question, and I was like "oh, wonder if he'll ask for some help and do a big surprise thing." Turns out he is, but no he's not going to ask me for help. He's asking the new best-friend, the one with a baby, though. Nice. Thanks. Excuse me while I plaster my face with a fake smile and plan for what dress I might wear, cause obvs its Mums Club for the bridal party.
I am doing dinner on Thursday night however with some friends that I haven't really spent time with lately. One is a mother to two, but she doesn't rub it in, she knows girl time is girl time and not brag about my babies time. One is a nanny, looks after children like I do. And the other is a miscarriage survivor and knows about my twins loss. So overall, I think I'm pretty excited. :)  DP doesn't like most of them, but DP doesn't like anyone. I swear, finding a female friend he likes is impossible! All of them annoy him in some way. Too bad.

Wow, this post is longer than I thought it would be. I would be able to keep going except I have got to get going to work. Eeek. :) TTFN. Maybe tomorrow AF will grace me with her presence and I will have something to look forward too.

Thursday, 14 June 2012

So I Made a Vlog!

Yes, I did it. I have made a Vlog!
My journey is now also available as a video. Haha, for those who want to check it out here is a link to my first video.   https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LN0mtHgHr_s&feature=plcp


I will be creating a page for my Vlogs soon on here. :)

Wednesday, 13 June 2012

Urgh...Do we have too?

The title of this post totally sums up how I feel about BDing. (baby dancing/sex). It is just a chore that I regretfully have to do in order to try have a baby.  If you don't want to read about it, then please skip the next three paragraphs. :)


I desperately would love to WANT to have sex instead of just NEED. But it just ins't like that, it never has been. I've never felt satisfaction from sex, minus one time when someone thought it would be funny to slip me an E, and since the Endo has decided to rear its ugly head its also become painful. And now I'm so turned off that I can't even get 'wet' down there. I don't care if I don't enjoy it, I just want to do it pain-free!
I know DP tries to understand this but its hard on him, and he doesn't understand why when he tries to make a move I say "stop it" and push him away. He just groans, rolls over and sulks himself to sleep. Theres been a few times he's done that and I've cried myself to sleep. I feel like i'm not fulfilling him, like im failing him as a partner. 


If anyone knows anything you can take to increase this drive, please let me know. I'm doing some research to see if maybe I can find something. I had to make this post today, even though its very TMI, but I had to finally be able to tell someone. Nobody else I know has this problem, so nobody 'gets' it. 


I almost feel like i'm stuck in some double-trap. Life won't let me have pain-free sex and then when I brave it Life won't give me the one thing I'm doing it for. Is there some cruel lesson life is trying to teach me?


OK, back to the clean stuff! :) AF is due in 2 days, I'm still expecting her to come knocking. Had the usual symptoms, bad skin last week which suddenly clears up overnight, hunger, tired. Haven't had the cramps yet though, but they usually show the day or night before. Perhaps the pyschic was right and next month is my month? I will hold on to this hope, and perhaps the faith and hope will make it come true. (Pfft, hasn't worked the last few years but hey, theres got to be a time when it does right?)


I really was hoping it would be soon, even if I don't make it to 13 weeks and I miscarry again im just so glad that it will be miscarriage number 3. Now that sounds like a stupid thing to say "Oh im miscarrying, but its ok because it's the third one!" but the NZ health system does not intervene and test/explore for reasons of infertility/miscarriage until you have had 3. Now THAT is stupid. Have they ever been through 2 miscarriages? Do they realise that 2 are enough to send woman into depression, panic, fear, anxiety and anger?  I even tried asking if miscarrying twins could count as 2. Apparently it doesn't. :( Sigh.


Oh well, this is my year. I am determined that 2012 is the year I will become a mum. Obv not give birth, but just in the view that I will make it to the 2nd trimester! 

Saturday, 9 June 2012

Tired of Nothing

Well it's one week till AF is expected, and I say expected because I am indeed expecting her. I don't feel pregnant at all. 
Kind of down about it, but I'm so busy at work that I don't have time to even think about it! Plus bestfriend has been visiting few times this week with her NB. Loving seeing him, but I just want my own one. :( 


Found some mega cute crafts online that I want to make, but I don't want when I have nobody to put it on. Is it normal to feel like you don't want to give friends/family with children all the cute things? I mean, I want them for my kid.. so I don't want them having it.. but I feel selfish?


Been thinking so much lately. A while ago I got a reading done via email, all had to do was send my partner & I's birthdates and a picture of us to her and she sent back a reading. The stuff about me sounds very spot on, but I'm hoping shes not right about everything else cause I don't want to wait. And it's weird having it in the back of my mind all the time.
I might add it in as a document sometime if people want to read.


Got an exercycle today also, going to try loose some of my weight around my waist area/hips. Got baby making hips, but they also got  little extra chub round them. :/ I'm not overweight, I weigh about 48-50kg, but I do have some puppy fat. Which obvs might not be helping...


Anyway Im off to eat some scrummy choc ganache I found in my local supermarket and play Xbox Kinect. :) Kinda seems like contradictory actions.


xo Thinker


PS: Also a big HELLO and THANK YOU to my 2 followers. I never expected when I started this to get any! I will return the favour if you have blogs.



Wednesday, 6 June 2012

:/ Whoopsy... TMI

** WARNING, POSSIBLY A LITTLE TMI**


Well I'm so excited just knowing that MAYBE, just MAYBE I could be pregnant! However if whats going on with me right now is pregnancy symptoms then all I have to say is "WTF!"


I swear this is probably one of the most embarrasing things EVER to happen to me, but tonight for dinner we had Subway. (Mmmm...Teriyaki chicken, bacon, extra smoked cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles and ranch dressing on Italian Herbs & Cheese)
Well about an hour later after finishing my foot long I thought "Oh need to do a little fart..." well blow me down I followed through... I stood up, accidentally knocked my laptop over and walked quick smart to the toilet. :O Whhhhy?


I'm not sure whether it was the fact I hadn't eaten anything else today, or that my body is just being weird as I've increasingly been having more bowel movements the last few days. But really, are they that bad now I can't even flex my cheeks without a dribble? :/


Other things my body has decided to plague me with this week are insomnia, extreme thirst and dry skin. Like scaly red dry skin..sandpaper. I first thought it was from accidentally putting a product containing something I was allergic to on my face but after moisturising and obviously stopping applying the product its just getting WORSE.


Also having a few language issues this week...brain and mouth not cooperating. I told my boss yesterday "Oh my vibrator just phoned.." :|  Hmm awkward...


Sigh. All I can hope is pleeeeease let this be for a good reason!

Monday, 4 June 2012

What If?

Up at night, insomnia and alone. I am trawling the internet bored and I stumbled across some beautiful photos/quotes and this AMAZING video.
Here I am, watching Drop Dead Diva at 11pm with just my cat curled up on my lap crying quietly so as not to wake DP. 


Just take a few minutes and watch this... what if it changes you?






xo Moved

2WW + Questions

Arrrgh the dreaded 2WW. :( It is the most stressful time, constant thoughts running through my mind... "What if I O'd late?" "Am I sure I O'd?" "Is this a possible symptom?" "Can I eat this...?" 


It is never-ending! Except obviously when you either get AF or that BFP. But the that opens a whole new can of worms!


If you get AF its "What did I do wrong this month?" "What can I do next month?" "Why do I do this?" "Why not me?"


If you get BFP its "Omg I can't eat this can I?" "Should I be doing this?" "Is that blood on the TP?" "How long will this last?"




Meanwhile back in the rest of the world people are sharing their news with everyone "I'm pregnant!". Recently my FB has been updated with lots of people announce pregnancies, and to my amazement they are all between 7-9 weeks. Do these people not understand that sooooo much can happen between now and 13 weeks? Would they be telling people if they had been through a m/c before?  And somewhere deep inside me it fills me with anger, they feel safe in their pregnancy and feel excitement. All I feel when I get mine is panic and dread. 


But can I tell these people how I feel, no. So many times I've wanted to say something on Facebook, just a post of a quote or a feeling, but I do not need my "friends" to know I am TTC. The constant "are you pregnant yet?" "Omg you would be such a good mum!" "I can't wait till you get pregnant!" "Have you tried .... ?" let alone the stuff I'd never hear, gossip. "Did you hear she's trying to get pregnant?" "I heard she .... and he .... " 


Thank god for my blog. And shows like Guilianna and Bill, publicly struggling so people can see that it is actually that hard for some people, including celebrities, and nothing is a guaranteed fix.  
Both are keeping me partially sane in this journey, now if only it could change the world and make others see....




xo Stressed & Hopeful

Sunday, 3 June 2012

Good Read

I stumbled across this online and thought it was a very good read. Made me cry to be honest. It is a bit long yes and not all of it was not relative to each situation but its worth it!



Infertility Etiquette

Chances are, you know someone who is struggling with infertility. More than seven million people of childbearing age in the United States experience infertility. Yet, as a society, we are woefully uninformed about how to best provide emotional support for our loved ones during this painful time.
Infertility is, indeed, a very painful struggle. The pain is similar to the grief over losing a loved one, but it is unique because it is a recurring grief. When a loved one dies, he isn't coming back. There is no hope that he will come back from the dead. You must work through the stages of grief, accept that you will never see this person again, and move on with your life.
The grief of infertility is not so cut and dry. Infertile people grieve the loss of the baby that they may never know. They grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes. But, each month, there is the hope that maybe that baby will be conceived after all. No matter how hard they try to prepare themselves for bad news, they still hope that this month will be different. Then, the bad news comes again, and the grief washes over the infertile couple anew. This process happens month after month, year after year. It is like having a deep cut that keeps getting opened right when it starts to heal.
As the couple moves into infertility treatments, the pain increases while the bank account depletes. The tests are invasive and embarrassing to both parties, and you feel like the doctor has taken over your bedroom. And for all of this discomfort, you pay a lot of money.
A couple will eventually resolve the infertility problem in one of three ways:
  • They will eventually conceive a baby.
  • They will stop the infertility treatments and choose to live without children.
  • They will find an alternative way to parent, such as by adopting a child or becoming a foster parent.
Reaching a resolution can take years, so your infertile loved ones need your emotional support during this journey. Most people don't know what to say, so they wind up saying the wrong thing, which only makes the journey so much harder for their loved ones. Knowing what not to say is half of the battle to providing support.
Don't Tell Them to Relax
Everyone knows someone who had trouble conceiving but then finally became pregnant once she "relaxed." Couples who are able to conceive after a few months of "relaxing" are not infertile. By definition, a couple is not diagnosed as "infertile" until they have tried unsuccessfully to become pregnant for a full year. In fact, most infertility specialists will not treat a couple for infertility until they have tried to become pregnant for a year. This year weeds out the people who aren't infertile but just need to "relax." Those that remain are truly infertile.
Comments such as "just relax" or "try going on a cruise" create even more stress for the infertile couple, particularly the woman. The woman feels like she is doing something wrong when, in fact, there is a good chance that there is a physical problem preventing her from becoming pregnant.
These comments can also reach the point of absurdity. As a couple, my husband and I underwent two surgeries, numerous inseminations, hormone treatments, and four years of poking and prodding by doctors. Yet, people still continued to say things like, "If you just relaxed on a cruise . . ." Infertility is a diagnosable medical problem that must be treated by a doctor, and even with treatment, many couples will NEVER successfully conceive a child. Relaxation itself does not cure medical infertility.
Don't Minimize the Problem
Failure to conceive a baby is a very painful journey. Infertile couples are surrounded by families with children. These couples watch their friends give birth to two or three children, and they watch those children grow while the couple goes home to the silence of an empty house. These couples see all of the joy that a child brings into someone's life, and they feel the emptiness of not being able to experience the same joy.
Comments like, "Just enjoy being able to sleep late . . . .travel . . etc.," do not offer comfort. Instead, these comments make infertile people feel like you are minimizing their pain. You wouldn't tell somebody whose parent just died to be thankful that he no longer has to buy Father's Day or Mother's Day cards. Losing that one obligation doesn't even begin to compensate for the incredible loss of losing a parent. In the same vein, being able to sleep late or travel does not provide comfort to somebody who desperately wants a child.
Don't Say There Are Worse Things That Could Happen
Along the same lines, don't tell your friend that there are worse things that she could be going through. Who is the final authority on what is the "worst" thing that could happen to someone? Is it going through a divorce? Watching a loved one die? Getting raped? Losing a job?
Different people react to different life experiences in different ways. To someone who has trained his whole life for the Olympics, the "worst" thing might be experiencing an injury the week before the event. To someone who has walked away from her career to become a stay-at-home wife for 40 years, watching her husband leave her for a younger woman might be the "worst" thing. And, to a woman whose sole goal in life has been to love and nurture a child, infertility may indeed be the "worst" thing that could happen.
People wouldn't dream of telling someone whose parent just died, "It could be worse: both of your parents could be dead." Such a comment would be considered cruel rather than comforting. In the same vein, don't tell your friend that she could be going through worse things than infertility.
Don't Say They Aren't Meant to Be Parents
One of the cruelest things anyone ever said to me is, "Maybe God doesn't intend for you to be a mother." How incredibly insensitive to imply that I would be such a bad mother that God felt the need to divinely sterilize me. If God were in the business of divinely sterilizing women, don't you think he would prevent the pregnancies that end in abortions? Or wouldn't he sterilize the women who wind up neglecting and abusing their children? Even if you aren't religious, the "maybe it's not meant to be" comments are not comforting. Infertility is a medical condition, not a punishment from God or Mother Nature.
Don't Ask Why They Aren't Trying IVF
In vitro fertilization (IVF) is a method in which the woman harvests multiple eggs, which are then combined with the man's sperm in a petri dish. This is the method that can produce multiple births. People frequently ask, "Why don't you just try IVF?" in the same casual tone they would use to ask, "Why don't you try shopping at another store?"
Don't Be Crude
It is appalling that I even have to include this paragraph, but some of you need to hear this-Don't make crude jokes about your friend's vulnerable position. Crude comments like "I'll donate the sperm" or "Make sure the doctor uses your sperm for the insemination" are not funny, and they only irritate your friends.
Don't Complain About Your Pregnancy
This message is for pregnant women-Just being around you is painful for your infertile friends. Seeing your belly grow is a constant reminder of what your infertile friend cannot have. Unless an infertile women plans to spend her life in a cave, she has to find a way to interact with pregnant women. However, there are things you can do as her friend to make it easier.
The number one rule is DON'T COMPLAIN ABOUT YOUR PREGNANCY. I understand from my friends that, when you are pregnant, your hormones are going crazy and you experience a lot of discomfort, such as queasiness, stretch marks, and fatigue. You have every right to vent about the discomforts to any one else in your life, but don't put your infertile friend in the position of comforting you.
Your infertile friend would give anything to experience the discomforts you are enduring because those discomforts come from a baby growing inside of you. When I heard a pregnant woman complain about morning sickness, I would think, "I'd gladly throw up for nine straight months if it meant I could have a baby." When a pregnant woman would complain about her weight gain, I would think, "I would cut off my arm if I could be in your shoes."
I managed to go to baby showers and hospitals to welcome my friends' new babies, but it was hard. Without exception, it was hard. Stay sensitive to your infertile friend's emotions, and give her the leeway that she needs to be happy for you while she cries for herself. If she can't bring herself to hold your new baby, give her time. She isn't rejecting you or your new baby; she is just trying to work her way through her pain to show sincere joy for you. The fact that she is willing to endure such pain in order to celebrate your new baby with you speaks volumes about how much your friendship means to her.
Don't Treat Them Like They Are Ignorant
For some reason, some people seem to think that infertility causes a person to become unrealistic about the responsibilities of parenthood. I don't follow the logic, but several people told me that I wouldn't ache for a baby so much if I appreciated how much responsibility was involved in parenting.
Let's face it-no one can fully appreciate the responsibilities involved in parenting until they are, themselves, parents. That is true whether you successfully conceived after one month or after 10 years. The length of time you spend waiting for that baby does not factor in to your appreciation of responsibility. If anything, people who have been trying to become pregnant longer have had more time to think about those responsibilities. They have also probably been around lots of babies as their friends started their families.
Perhaps part of what fuels this perception is that infertile couples have a longer time to "dream" about what being a parent will be like. Like every other couple, we have our fantasies-my child will sleep through the night, would never have a tantrum in public, and will always eat his vegetables. Let us have our fantasies. Those fantasies are some of the few parent-to-be perks that we have-let us have them. You can give us your knowing looks when we discover the truth later.
Don't Gossip About Your Friend's Condition
Infertility treatments are very private and embarrassing, which is why many couples choose to undergo these treatments in secret. Men especially are very sensitive to letting people know about infertility testing, such as sperm counts. Gossiping about infertility is not usually done in a malicious manner. The gossipers are usually well-meaning people who are only trying to find out more about infertility so they can help their loved ones.
Regardless of why you are sharing this information with someone else, it hurts and embarrasses your friend to find out that Madge the bank teller knows what your husband's sperm count is and when your next period is expected. Infertility is something that should be kept as private as your friend wants to keep it. Respect your friend's privacy, and don't share any information that your friend hasn't authorized.
Don't Push Adoption (Yet)
Adoption is a wonderful way for infertile people to become parents. (As an adoptive parent, I can fully vouch for this!!) However, the couple needs to work through many issues before they will be ready to make an adoption decision. Before they can make the decision to love a "stranger's baby," they must first grieve the loss of that baby with Daddy's eyes and Mommy's nose. Adoption social workers recognize the importance of the grieving process. When my husband and I went for our initial adoption interview, we expected the first question to be, "Why do you want to adopt a baby?" Instead, the question was, "Have you grieved the loss of your biological child yet?" Our social worker emphasized how important it is to shut one door before you open another.
You do, indeed, need to grieve this loss before you are ready to start the adoption process. The adoption process is very long and expensive, and it is not an easy road. So, the couple needs to be very sure that they can let go of the hope of a biological child and that they can love an adopted baby. This takes time, and some couples are never able to reach this point. If your friend cannot love a baby that isn't her "own," then adoption isn't the right decision for her, and it is certainly not what is best for the baby.
Mentioning adoption in passing can be a comfort to some couples. (The only words that ever offered me comfort were from my sister, who said, "Whether through pregnancy or adoption, you will be a mother one day.") However, "pushing" the issue can frustrate your friend. So, mention the idea in passing if it seems appropriate, and then drop it. When your friend is ready to talk about adoption, she will raise the issue herself.
So, what can you say to your infertile friends? Unless you say "I am giving you this baby," there is nothing you can say that will erase their pain. So, take that pressure off of yourself. It isn't your job to erase their pain, but there is a lot you can do to lesson the load. Here are a few ideas.
Let Them Know That You Care
The best thing you can do is let your infertile friends know that you care. Send them cards. Let them cry on your shoulder. If they are religious, let them know you are praying for them. Offer the same support you would offer a friend who has lost a loved one. Just knowing they can count on you to be there for them lightens the load and lets them know that they aren't going through this alone.
Remember Them on Mother's Day
With all of the activity on Mother's Day, people tend to forget about women who cannot become mothers. Mother's Day is an incredibly painful time for infertile women. You cannot get away from it-There are ads on the TV, posters at the stores, church sermons devoted to celebrating motherhood, and all of the plans for celebrating with your own mother and mother-in-law.
Mother's Day is an important celebration and one that I relish now that I am a mother. However, it was very painful while I was waiting for my baby. Remember your infertile friends on Mother's Day, and send them a card to let them know you are thinking of them. They will appreciate knowing that you haven't "forgotten" them.
Support Their Decision to Stop Treatments
No couple can endure infertility treatments forever. At some point, they will stop. This is an agonizing decision to make, and it involves even more grief. Even if the couple chooses to adopt a baby, they must still first grieve the loss of that baby who would have had mommy's nose and daddy's eyes.
Once the couple has made the decision to stop treatments, support their decision. Don't encourage them to try again, and don't discourage them from adopting, if that is their choice. Once the couple has reached resolution (whether to live without children, adopt a child, or become foster parents), they can finally put that chapter of their lives behind them. Don't try to open that chapter again.

Saturday, 2 June 2012

O Week

So one more week gone by, and it was O time! :P I really wasn't in the mood though as I've been so down lately. We managed to BD twice though, so hoping we caught the eggy. I think we missed actual O night, but go the night before so FX. Might (big MIGHT) BD again tonight in case of late O.


I try using all those fertility apps; My Days, Period Tracker and What To Expect Fertility, but they never seem to match up to each other and just confuse me more. :/ Grr.


My skins also getting really bad this week, my forehead is just blowing up with pimples which is really weird to me. Also had really dry cracked lips and dry scalp so I'm going to check out maybe I'm lacking some vitamins.
I'm really bad at remembering to take tablets so hopefully not ha ha.


I deleted my You tube intro video, I didn't like it so I'm going to make a new one next week. Maybe Tuesday, and I'll post it online and link it here. Then later in the week I'll do an update story and maybe a make-up/style one. I find it hard to do style ones as I wear a uniform 5 days a week so mostly my style is on weekends when DP is home and he doesn't get it.


Anyway, we are going out for dinner soon for my dear dads bday so I best get ready and go get him a present!

Saturday, 26 May 2012

New Design/Vlog

So I just started designing the page more so its prettier. Puuuurdy :P
Its always more interesting to read stuff when the page looks good haha.


I've also uploaded my first video onto Youtube. I'll give you a link so you can go watch it if you want, I'm not sure I like the video so if it disappears then thats why. But it will be replaced by a new one that I'm happier with.
I video'd on a bad angle and I wasn't really sure what I was saying haha.


http://youtu.be/e9pklUGTxDA <-- Theres the link. :)

Tuesday, 22 May 2012

AF Gone

Well AF has gone after her visit last week, she was unusually long n heavier which I found strange. Ohwell maybe my body needed it.


Next week should be O week, DP is looking forward to it. Haha, typical males ae.
Started taking my Blackmores Conceive Well tablets again to see if maybe they will help and hopefully get some of my levels up.
Plus for the last month my skin has been really bad in one area and im hoping this will fix it, my hairs also been quite bad. :/ The little things that annoy us ae haha.


Saturday, 19 May 2012

Whole new territory

Well BF's (best friends) baby was born last night, I was there to support her and saw him after the birth. I'm a little nervous though as we are going to go see him again soon, dealing with her being pregnant was one thing, now I actually have to go through her with a baby.
I'm not sure whether this is going to be easier or harder than before. I probably won't see her as often as normally she comes over often but with a baby her life will change obvs.


Hmm, ohwell not anything I can do to change it. Just keep on going...

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

My Journey So Far

Hey guys, well actually atm it's probably more like a "hey nobody" haha.
Well I said i'd write about my journey so far, and thats exactly what I'll be doing. Excuse me if it gets long or rambly. :)


Me & my partner met in 2008 and being silly young ones we were we never used contraception. Funnily enough though, we never got pregnant. This seems odd to me because before I met him I only once had unprotected sex and I fell pregnant that time and had no issues (I had an abortion as I wasn't ready for a child).


In 2009 I was ready to become a mother, I've always wanted to have children, but I didn't say anything to DP because at that time nobody we knew were having kids. By the end of that year we were both wanting to try. We were excited and couldn't wait.


Unfortunately by that stage I had started getting pain with sex, and it was so bad I would be screaming and crying after. Late 2010 I had surgery to remove Endometriosis, and was excited to be able to get back into it.
I don't know whether it's the remaining Endo they couldn't get out, or my mind/body working against me but since then I still have not been able to have pain free sex. I never really enjoyed sex, I never felt anything, but now I can't even get aroused. We did continue to have sex, but it was very rarely only every few months.


In 2011 DP had surgery to remove a large hernia he had had since 2009. Also in 2011 our two best friends, who were dating at the time, announced to us they were pregnant. It certainly hit us like a ton of bricks and DP found it very hard, I know I personally couldn't think how I was going to act so happy around her and the baby. I felt sorry for her however as they lost the baby and their relationship fell apart. She quickly moved on to a new partner and only one month into their relationship she was pregnant again, and they were keeping it. I was crushed, I didn't understand how God could give her a child when she wasn't wanting one (she also already has a child from a previous relationship) and we couldn't even have one after 2 years of trying! DP also felt the same and is still angered when it comes to it. But back to us,  randomly there was a week in October where I was very keen to BD and so we went like rabbits.


December 4 2011 I went to the doctor and we got our first BFP. I was so happy I didn't know what to do or how to tell DP. When he got home from work that night I showed him the test and we cried tears of joy.
We told my parents straight away and I chose my midwife. We went for a dating scan, and we weren't sure what we were going to see on the screen but we both knew the moment we saw it that this wasn't your everyday pregnancy. There were 2 in there, we were going to have TWINS! The shock wore off and we became even more excited. Christmas Eve we told his family, his mother reacted badly and I just felt like running away and crying. Christmas Day we told the rest of my family and they were over the moon.
New Years came and instead of spending my week off celebrating and travelling I spent it curled up on the couch at home and in hospital getting a D&C. Our babies had died at Christmas.


I acted tough and moved through, we started trying again straight away and February 2012 we got BFP number two. I was scared, and didn't want to "bond" with it as I felt like it was going to be taken away. Sure enough, March 2012 I miscarried at home.


Where I live you have to suffer 3 miscarriages before they will send you to see a specialist to search for answers. Do they not understand how 3 miscarriages can tear you apart? I miss my twins every single day and constantly wonder why, why me, why them? Every day I am surrounded by children in my work, but they don't bother me, it's when I log onto Facebook and see "Im going to be a mum!" or the many photos of friends babies uploaded daily that I sit here and cry.


Nobody I know understands what I'm feeling, and nobody can fix it. The only people who know about our journey is my parents and my best friend. (Yes, the currently 8 month pregnant one). And now you :)



Tuesday, 15 May 2012

Just created this blog as a way to get out my feelings. I'm sick of bottling them up and I really have nobody to talk to in person, so why not make a blog! :) Will do a big blog about my story probably tomorrow morning or later tonight. Whenever I have time.