Strange. CD3

Well right when I start thinking "Oh wow AF showed up pretty much on time (1 day late is nothing) and it is actually proper red blood this time, not just the gross brown I had all last cycle."  She likes to surprise me again by leaving just as fast as she came.
Monday night had slightly caramel CM so knew she would be there when I awoke, and sure enough she came on Tuesday. Tuesday was as a normal CD1, red blood little bit of brown, and was medium flow. Wednesday was CD2, which usually is about the same as CD1 for me. But not this time, I had very light flow. Normally after CD3 I can sleep at night with no protection as nothing discharges, but I decided that as Wednesdays flow was so light I would do that early this time and went to bed feeling free.
Today, CD3 I may as well have not wasted a tampon. It was pretty much just brown CM again.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Before the m/c's my cycles were always on time, about 4-5 days long with first two days being medium flow and the last 2-3 light. After the m/c's the first one was extremely light, the second was late again but heavy for 1 day, medium 2, went away for a day and light for another 4, the third was late again and heavy for 1 day, medium 2 days, light for 4. Whyyy must you be so difficult and unpredictable? :(

Also, just wondering, when you have a light cycle is this because your endometrium/lining whatever you call it  was thin?
This scares me as now I wonder whether it is thick enough for a little eggy to burrow into. :( For someone with endometriosis I never thought I would worry about such a thing. Stupid thing can grow all over everywhere else but can't seem to do its job in the right place properly!

CD1 HopeCycle

So today is CD1 of the cycle I will call my Hope Cycle. Because I Hope to God that this is it!


I'm excited for it to be over already, but then again who isn't excited for AF to pack her bags and leave. Nobody ever goes "Ooooh yay! My periods here, I hope it lasts another 7 days! It's so cool bleeding from my vajayjay and cramping, and crying, and eating, and bloating, and worrying constantly about leakage, and basically my vaginas interior just ripping itself down so it can rewallpaper next week."
LOL, just as I typed that the TV showed an ad for some "Paste the wall" Wallpaper. Brilliant.
I find it quite a coinkidink that CD1 is also the day mentioned in my previous post, maybe its a sign?


Anywhooo, I made a YouTube video the other day and I love keeping up to date with everyone on YouTube so if you have a channel or know anybody who has a good one please let me know! Or add me so I can subscribe back :) I'm also going to do some hair/beauty reviews soon.


I do get annoyed though sometimes, a big pet peeve is when I see someone post either a blog, vlog, video whatever and it's labeled "TTC journey" etc, and you think 'I'll watch that one, might be interesting'. Then you watch and see they are pregnant, so you think 'Oh yay it's a succesful journey! I wonder how long it took and how they did it', so you get really into it.. then they say "Well we stopped our birth control in January, and I got my first period in February and then in March we found out we were pregnant!"
Are you shitting me?! That ain't a TTC Journey, That's a TTC walk in the park! Can you imagine how many blogs/vlogs/videos there would be online if that was thought to be a journey... Ok, I get that some people want to document their pregnancy starting from conception and fair enough. But please, don't name it TTC, call it a Pregnancy journey. Technically yes they were TTC for a month of two, but that's normal, and when people search TTC journeys they aren't meaning those ones.
Rant over.


What else is new, well this cycle I'm going to take Folic Acid & Iron from the start, so tomorrow because I just decided earlier. I'm also going to start using OPKs from CD10 to make sure we catch that damn egg! Judging by my Fertility tracker O time is about the weekend we are going away to celebrate our 4 year anniversary. Yaaay! And I am SO going to be making sure to leave either the 2nd or 3rd installment of Fifty Shades. If you have read my previous blogs then you'll know I have issues with arousal, but I am so far 1/3 of the way into Fifty Shades of Grey and have discovered that it certainly helps haha.
Before I started reading it DP said to me "In like 9 months there is going to be a Fifty Shades baby boom." and I totally agreed! Now I can't help but wonder, will we be part of that baby boom? Can we, please? Where do I book tickets...?


Tomorrow I am also going to look at a couple of houses for rent. We are getting sooo sick of where we are now. It's winter here in NZ and this place has no heating, so we have an electric heater we plug in that sucks all our electricity. It also has an older style kitchen which I hate because the wood has been painted and the draws stick, and no matter how much you clean it looks dirty. The kitchen has no dishwasher which is annoying when we cook something or have a lazy day because the dishes just pile up and look bad. Then you can never get dishes as clean with hand washing and I always panic about bacteria/germs. These new places are much more modern, both have a heat pump and dishwasher. One is brand new and the other is more 90's but I'm excited. Yaaay! And this time we won't live above our landlord, who is a dodgy person. Not dirty dodgy, but sneaky dodgy. :/ Anyway, that's a whole diff issue.


 Well I'm off to bed now to read some more of Fifty Shades, lets see what time I tear myself away tonight. :)

I'm Baaaaack

Holidays are over! :) And I have a few updates, some good, some bad. I'll start with good and go down to bad...

I'm tired but so energetic at the same time, and loving being able to relax and have "me" time at night now instead of just sleeping. Which is when I get to come on here yay!

Where am I at at the moment? Well, we have not had sex in the last month. So this month is NOT our month obviously, unless my name is now Mary, but it's ok because I really wasn't that keen on the timing. I don't know what it was but I just wasn't feeling it, however I am feeling F&*#ING positive about next month. Don't know why, but I am. And that's got to be a good sign! :)
Anyway, last month I said that my cycles have now become longer and I had being missing Ovulation because it was later than it previously had been. Well, just to trick me my body has decided to go back to it's regular pattern and I ovulated earlier than I expected, so the same as I used too. Thankfully my OPKs arrived, so I am going to definately be able to catch it next month. That little eggy is NOT going to get away...
Just between you and me, I also am being sneaky and I am ordering some Cassava tablets. Cassava (a type of Wild Yam) is known to increase the chances of having twins, and be it that I'm still not over the loss of my twins or that I just think it'd be so amazing to have twins again, but I really really really just want to try. It's hard getting over the loss of a child, and i'm just finding it so much harder thinking that it may have been my one and only chance of having twins. Twins are special, and I lost that. What if I never get the chance again? What could be the harm in trying? Losing another set I guess would be a harm, but at least I try.
Has anybody ever tried these before or heard of people using them?

Speaking of the twins, this past weekend knocked me for six. I logged on to good old Facebook, and see a post "(Person) is expecting twins, poor f*&ker". Sigh. 1) Ouch that not only do they get to have a baby, they get to have twins and 2) If you knew the pain some people go through you would never call anyone blessed with twins a poor bleepbleep. I would kill to have them (obv. as i said in above paragraph).

Secondly, to rub salt in the wound, this week is the week. It is the week I was due to be induced, it was to be my twinnies birthdays, I was going to become a mummy to the world and bring my bubbas home. I was going to meet them, introduce them to everyone and hold them. How am I meant to feel? I don't know. I'm sure I'm allowed to be upset, but at the same time I feel like I'm not allowed to bring up something that happened so long ago. We lost them 6 months ago, that's a long time. But in my heart it feels like just yesterday again.


I can definitely tell AF is coming to visit soon, I look like i'm 3 months pregnant im so bloated and its driving me crazy! So crazy infact, it gave me that final push to join a gym! :) I'm quite excited, and I've thought about posting a few pics to show my progress. It could go from unfit - fit - baby bumps. :) Hopefully! And it'd help motivate me! Nothing worse than showing the world that you've fallen behind to help push you forward again.

Please everyone, don't forget to check out my pages (tattoo etc) and give some feedback, and also subscribe to my Youtube channel! :) Search me, OnceUponABFP and watch me as I update my life and so some occasional beauty reviews. I will be posting new videos tomorrow :) YAY!



XOXO 

Stupid Stupid

So as I think I posted AF turned up. I can't remember what night it was, Tuesday I think. But it is now Friday and she's left.
The thing that annoys me is that 1) she came late, and 2) I had 90% dark brown discharge and only 10% fresh blood. Whats up with that? What does that mean? What is my body doing?!

Grrr. Thinking perhaps that doctors appointment might be needed more than I thought.

Still Preparing + NWL

Gaaaah! Still just getting this STUPID brown discharge. Just bleed and get it over with AF! You are my least favourite Aunt. And that's saying something because I only have 2.


Had a very depressing night last night. Had a shower, had a hot drink, ate half a block of chocolate and cried myself to sleep finally at about 1am. Oh the joys of being a TTC woman receiving yet another period.
I thought I hated periods when I was 16-17, well geez I'd go back now if I could! They were a breeze.


I did make another video this morning, which is on my channel now, just to update where I am at. Which is what I like to call No-Womans-Land. Because, I am not a man. Clearly. However that could explain a few things...hahah kidding.
NWL is a special place I am currently residing as I am not "abnormal" enough for the medical system to step in and help, but I am not "normal" enough for my body to just work and have a baby. I'm sure I'm not alone in NWL, but it certainly feels it at times!


I have made a few decisions last night in my anger & sadness.

• I am getting a tattoo. I always wanted one one day when I knew it would mean something, this journey of loss means something to me. I will start a page and show you all some ideas on what I want, and get suggestions in the next few days. 
• I am also going to start a list of stupid things people have said to me during this time that cut deep, or are just plain insensitive. I carry them around with me and they make me angry, so maybe I can stick them to something else and not my mind.
• Friends are over-rated. My best friend has a newborn, 1 month on weekend just been, and I feel like now i'm just this "add-on" friend. She thinks shoving her child at me and me being "Aunty" is helping, look sometimes I just don't want to hold your baby. No, i don't hate him, I just want space. I want to approach this at my own pace. I also am not part of this special club, the 'Mummy Club'. ALL her other friends she hangs out with are Mums, and they go off and have play dates and plan things, but I'm not included. Obvs because I'm not a mum to a live baby. Well, sorry about it. I don't mind they do this, but ALL the time. Her partner is also planning to pop the question, and I was like "oh, wonder if he'll ask for some help and do a big surprise thing." Turns out he is, but no he's not going to ask me for help. He's asking the new best-friend, the one with a baby, though. Nice. Thanks. Excuse me while I plaster my face with a fake smile and plan for what dress I might wear, cause obvs its Mums Club for the bridal party.

I am doing dinner on Thursday night however with some friends that I haven't really spent time with lately. One is a mother to two, but she doesn't rub it in, she knows girl time is girl time and not brag about my babies time. One is a nanny, looks after children like I do. And the other is a miscarriage survivor and knows about my twins loss. So overall, I think I'm pretty excited. :)  DP doesn't like most of them, but DP doesn't like anyone. I swear, finding a female friend he likes is impossible! All of them annoy him in some way. Too bad.

Wow, this post is longer than I thought it would be. I would be able to keep going except I have got to get going to work. Eeek. :) TTFN. Maybe tomorrow AF will grace me with her presence and I will have something to look forward too.

Hurry Up Already!

So AF is taking her time getting here,was due on Friday and now its Sunday with no sign of her. She did that last time too... sneaky bitch. 


Oh well, in the mean time I am enjoying being AF free and not cramping. (Which i'm sure I'll wish I had now instead of during the working week) I am however, slightly reluctant to have a nice cold glass of Midori... just incase. 

Tired of Nothing

Well it's one week till AF is expected, and I say expected because I am indeed expecting her. I don't feel pregnant at all. 
Kind of down about it, but I'm so busy at work that I don't have time to even think about it! Plus bestfriend has been visiting few times this week with her NB. Loving seeing him, but I just want my own one. :( 


Found some mega cute crafts online that I want to make, but I don't want when I have nobody to put it on. Is it normal to feel like you don't want to give friends/family with children all the cute things? I mean, I want them for my kid.. so I don't want them having it.. but I feel selfish?


Been thinking so much lately. A while ago I got a reading done via email, all had to do was send my partner & I's birthdates and a picture of us to her and she sent back a reading. The stuff about me sounds very spot on, but I'm hoping shes not right about everything else cause I don't want to wait. And it's weird having it in the back of my mind all the time.
I might add it in as a document sometime if people want to read.


Got an exercycle today also, going to try loose some of my weight around my waist area/hips. Got baby making hips, but they also got  little extra chub round them. :/ I'm not overweight, I weigh about 48-50kg, but I do have some puppy fat. Which obvs might not be helping...


Anyway Im off to eat some scrummy choc ganache I found in my local supermarket and play Xbox Kinect. :) Kinda seems like contradictory actions.


xo Thinker


PS: Also a big HELLO and THANK YOU to my 2 followers. I never expected when I started this to get any! I will return the favour if you have blogs.

2WW + Questions

Arrrgh the dreaded 2WW. :( It is the most stressful time, constant thoughts running through my mind... "What if I O'd late?" "Am I sure I O'd?" "Is this a possible symptom?" "Can I eat this...?" 


It is never-ending! Except obviously when you either get AF or that BFP. But the that opens a whole new can of worms!


If you get AF its "What did I do wrong this month?" "What can I do next month?" "Why do I do this?" "Why not me?"


If you get BFP its "Omg I can't eat this can I?" "Should I be doing this?" "Is that blood on the TP?" "How long will this last?"




Meanwhile back in the rest of the world people are sharing their news with everyone "I'm pregnant!". Recently my FB has been updated with lots of people announce pregnancies, and to my amazement they are all between 7-9 weeks. Do these people not understand that sooooo much can happen between now and 13 weeks? Would they be telling people if they had been through a m/c before?  And somewhere deep inside me it fills me with anger, they feel safe in their pregnancy and feel excitement. All I feel when I get mine is panic and dread. 


But can I tell these people how I feel, no. So many times I've wanted to say something on Facebook, just a post of a quote or a feeling, but I do not need my "friends" to know I am TTC. The constant "are you pregnant yet?" "Omg you would be such a good mum!" "I can't wait till you get pregnant!" "Have you tried .... ?" let alone the stuff I'd never hear, gossip. "Did you hear she's trying to get pregnant?" "I heard she .... and he .... " 


Thank god for my blog. And shows like Guilianna and Bill, publicly struggling so people can see that it is actually that hard for some people, including celebrities, and nothing is a guaranteed fix.  
Both are keeping me partially sane in this journey, now if only it could change the world and make others see....




xo Stressed & Hopeful

O Week

So one more week gone by, and it was O time! :P I really wasn't in the mood though as I've been so down lately. We managed to BD twice though, so hoping we caught the eggy. I think we missed actual O night, but go the night before so FX. Might (big MIGHT) BD again tonight in case of late O.


I try using all those fertility apps; My Days, Period Tracker and What To Expect Fertility, but they never seem to match up to each other and just confuse me more. :/ Grr.


My skins also getting really bad this week, my forehead is just blowing up with pimples which is really weird to me. Also had really dry cracked lips and dry scalp so I'm going to check out maybe I'm lacking some vitamins.
I'm really bad at remembering to take tablets so hopefully not ha ha.


I deleted my You tube intro video, I didn't like it so I'm going to make a new one next week. Maybe Tuesday, and I'll post it online and link it here. Then later in the week I'll do an update story and maybe a make-up/style one. I find it hard to do style ones as I wear a uniform 5 days a week so mostly my style is on weekends when DP is home and he doesn't get it.


Anyway, we are going out for dinner soon for my dear dads bday so I best get ready and go get him a present!

AF Gone

Well AF has gone after her visit last week, she was unusually long n heavier which I found strange. Ohwell maybe my body needed it.


Next week should be O week, DP is looking forward to it. Haha, typical males ae.
Started taking my Blackmores Conceive Well tablets again to see if maybe they will help and hopefully get some of my levels up.
Plus for the last month my skin has been really bad in one area and im hoping this will fix it, my hairs also been quite bad. :/ The little things that annoy us ae haha.