Where To Start?

I'm back from my holiday, boo. This will probably be a short blog, and then in a few days I'll probably do a long one as I finally remember everything I want to write about.

Well whats been happening in my life?

• Moved into new house. And when I say new, I mean new. Brand spanking new and it's amazingly warm and comfortable. Can definately see this helping our journey as now I'm so much more relaxed and happy and warm!
• Had our 4 year anniversary last week, DP bought me some flowers and breakfast. We haven't bought proper presents yet as all our money that fortnight went into moving and weekend away.
• Went away for the weekend to the beach. Yes, beach in winter! It was amazing weather and warm, got to laze on the deck with a drink in the sun staring out over the sea. Bliss.
• Ovulated on Friday just been, very positive test. Yay! These OPKs are helpful as my P Tracker told me I wouldnt be ovulating yet, and My Days was saying that was the day and I had no idea which one to go off! Guess it was My Days for the win.
• That makes me now 3DPO and into the 2WW. Urgh. I'm not sure how I feel about it now, I was so confident this cycle, now I'm into the 2WW i'm just not sure. :/
• Started properly using my Fertility Friend chart today. So it looks absolutely boring with only one temp on it. I know, I know, today at 3DPO is not a good time to start charting! But if I didn't do it now then I'd never get around to it.
• I have resolved I NEED to go to the gym more, as in start. My thighs and my belly have expanded and I just don't want to wear tight tops anymore as I HATE the look of my gut. :(

So, that is all I can think of ATM. I do however also have a few questions for all you lovely ladies! (D will love this as it's about OPKs :P )

• On FF when charting, what do they consider a 'positive' OPK? Is that from when I first see a line, or is it when I first get the dark line thats stronger than the control?
• What's a normal temperature? I entered my 11am temperature (yes, not a good time) but that's when I remembered. I am going to start doing them when I wake up tomorrow onwards, but anyway at 11am today my temp was 36C. Compared to other peoples charts this is a very low temperature, I've been feeling cold a lot more than other people but whenever I've had a check up the Dr has never said anything? 

I feel like this charting thing is going to make me more obsessive compulsive about this TTC than before haha, I'll be always looking at my chart. 

I will be making a video hopefully on Wednesday, was hoping to today but I have run out of time before work. And tomorrow my friend is coming around, with her baby, urgh. I always dread this time. I used to look forward to her visits, now they are just filled with her pushing her baby at me. It's almost like she is trying to make me feel better about not being able to conceive by giving me her child for a few hours a week and honestly that's not what I want. Its not MY baby, I DON'T want YOUR baby.  Just let me admire him as I'd like and not push him at me like a teaching tool. I will learn how to parent when I become a parent, and when you try tell me about how to I become agitated and annoyed. I'm not a pet project.

Honestly, I am the type of person that when I become pregnant/a mother to a live baby if someone tries to tell me "Do this, do that" "This is how I do this.." "This is the right way to..." "I do..." etc I will dislike them. Obviously there are exceptions, such as nurses/midwife and my own parents. But everyone else I don't want to hear it, I want to learn it and live it myself, don't spoil this learning experience for me!

That was a bit of an unexpected rant. Lol. And now I must go to work, so until next time TTFN lovelies.

PS: Big congrats to D (http://mylifeisaboutthejourney.blogspot.co.nz/) on her BFP! :) FX for a happy healthy journey.

Sigh CD8.

Today was NOT a good day. I feel like I blog more about bad things than good recently? Hmm must try remember to post good days too.

Anyway, I woke up today early and snoozed again for a bit. Then I got a text and I was stuck awake, I knew straight away that I was not going to have a good day. 

Started off pretty slow and easy just packing some stuff for our move this weekend.

I was just grumpy. Got grumpy at DP, got grumpy at BFF and grumpy at life.
It's almost like my AF side effects are a week late.

Tomorrow I am determined to have a better day. :) We are getting keys to our new place tomorrow which I am stoked about! We will probably start moving some boxes in. 

Packing is soooo annoying, I've packed the bathroom and our wardrobe completely. (Minus the basics out of bathroom we need) Lounge is mostly big items we can't put in boxes, Kitchen I am waiting till Friday to pack because we do need to eat, and the Spare bedroom is half packed and half not. I told DP that was his job. Hence why it is still in the state I left it.

Bonus, while I was in Spare room other day I did find a Basal Thermometer as I was packing some stuff! Never even knew we had one, I am planning on giving it a clean and then seeing if it still works. 

Combined with my first month of OPKing this is getting quite exciting. On the subject of OPK, I have a few questions for you all:

1) Whens the best time of day to do one?

2) What day do I start them? (I was thinking tomorrow or next day)

3) Is there anything I can't do around testing time?

Any help or feedback would be greatly appreciated! :)

Strange. CD3

Well right when I start thinking "Oh wow AF showed up pretty much on time (1 day late is nothing) and it is actually proper red blood this time, not just the gross brown I had all last cycle."  She likes to surprise me again by leaving just as fast as she came.
Monday night had slightly caramel CM so knew she would be there when I awoke, and sure enough she came on Tuesday. Tuesday was as a normal CD1, red blood little bit of brown, and was medium flow. Wednesday was CD2, which usually is about the same as CD1 for me. But not this time, I had very light flow. Normally after CD3 I can sleep at night with no protection as nothing discharges, but I decided that as Wednesdays flow was so light I would do that early this time and went to bed feeling free.
Today, CD3 I may as well have not wasted a tampon. It was pretty much just brown CM again.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Before the m/c's my cycles were always on time, about 4-5 days long with first two days being medium flow and the last 2-3 light. After the m/c's the first one was extremely light, the second was late again but heavy for 1 day, medium 2, went away for a day and light for another 4, the third was late again and heavy for 1 day, medium 2 days, light for 4. Whyyy must you be so difficult and unpredictable? :(

Also, just wondering, when you have a light cycle is this because your endometrium/lining whatever you call it  was thin?
This scares me as now I wonder whether it is thick enough for a little eggy to burrow into. :( For someone with endometriosis I never thought I would worry about such a thing. Stupid thing can grow all over everywhere else but can't seem to do its job in the right place properly!

Body Schmody

So I am currently very angry at my body.

Since I had the miscarriage in March it has just not returned to normal, and I miss my old body. :( I don't like this "new normal" my body has decided upon.

1) My cycles are now 36 day average, not the old 28.
2) My hair is always frizzy/flyaways and frequent dandruff
3) Constantly chapped lips. I apply chapstick religiously and they just don't go away, perhaps due to number 4?
4) Sleep with my mouth open all the time. Whyyy?!
5) My neck/face has now got an acne issue, i mean I used to get pimples but now its like proper acne. Redness, groups of 'pimples' some of which are deep large bumps, they never seem to go away, and my pore's are huge!

I looked at myself in the mirror this morning and just cried. I hated myself. I still hate my body.

Has anyone else had this kind of thing happen? I would not mind all these if it meant I had my bundle of joy still with me, but really? I had to go through the loss and now live with these horrible stupid reminders.

I'm Baaaaack

Holidays are over! :) And I have a few updates, some good, some bad. I'll start with good and go down to bad...

I'm tired but so energetic at the same time, and loving being able to relax and have "me" time at night now instead of just sleeping. Which is when I get to come on here yay!

Where am I at at the moment? Well, we have not had sex in the last month. So this month is NOT our month obviously, unless my name is now Mary, but it's ok because I really wasn't that keen on the timing. I don't know what it was but I just wasn't feeling it, however I am feeling F&*#ING positive about next month. Don't know why, but I am. And that's got to be a good sign! :)
Anyway, last month I said that my cycles have now become longer and I had being missing Ovulation because it was later than it previously had been. Well, just to trick me my body has decided to go back to it's regular pattern and I ovulated earlier than I expected, so the same as I used too. Thankfully my OPKs arrived, so I am going to definately be able to catch it next month. That little eggy is NOT going to get away...
Just between you and me, I also am being sneaky and I am ordering some Cassava tablets. Cassava (a type of Wild Yam) is known to increase the chances of having twins, and be it that I'm still not over the loss of my twins or that I just think it'd be so amazing to have twins again, but I really really really just want to try. It's hard getting over the loss of a child, and i'm just finding it so much harder thinking that it may have been my one and only chance of having twins. Twins are special, and I lost that. What if I never get the chance again? What could be the harm in trying? Losing another set I guess would be a harm, but at least I try.
Has anybody ever tried these before or heard of people using them?

Speaking of the twins, this past weekend knocked me for six. I logged on to good old Facebook, and see a post "(Person) is expecting twins, poor f*&ker". Sigh. 1) Ouch that not only do they get to have a baby, they get to have twins and 2) If you knew the pain some people go through you would never call anyone blessed with twins a poor bleepbleep. I would kill to have them (obv. as i said in above paragraph).

Secondly, to rub salt in the wound, this week is the week. It is the week I was due to be induced, it was to be my twinnies birthdays, I was going to become a mummy to the world and bring my bubbas home. I was going to meet them, introduce them to everyone and hold them. How am I meant to feel? I don't know. I'm sure I'm allowed to be upset, but at the same time I feel like I'm not allowed to bring up something that happened so long ago. We lost them 6 months ago, that's a long time. But in my heart it feels like just yesterday again.


I can definitely tell AF is coming to visit soon, I look like i'm 3 months pregnant im so bloated and its driving me crazy! So crazy infact, it gave me that final push to join a gym! :) I'm quite excited, and I've thought about posting a few pics to show my progress. It could go from unfit - fit - baby bumps. :) Hopefully! And it'd help motivate me! Nothing worse than showing the world that you've fallen behind to help push you forward again.

Please everyone, don't forget to check out my pages (tattoo etc) and give some feedback, and also subscribe to my Youtube channel! :) Search me, OnceUponABFP and watch me as I update my life and so some occasional beauty reviews. I will be posting new videos tomorrow :) YAY!



XOXO 

Hmmm...

The other night after making the last post I sat thinking about how over the last month I've been really enjoying life. I have been going out with friends, really socialising and getting to know all the people I never really see. Its amazing.
I then realised that this month was not going to be my month, I just knew. Next month is more our time.
Then when checking my phone I realised that one app said 6th as O Day, and the other said the 9th. I was like "uh-oh..today is the 6th!" and just as my body works with my mind and its previous thoughts about 'not this month' I was sooooooo shattered that night that I just feel asleep. Naked from the waist down. Hahaha...today being the 8th I wasn't totally sure whether O had happened or not anyway.

Today I recieved my package of OPK's just in time to check whether I was O'ing. Now I'm not good with the whole OPK thing, but I followed the instructions and after 10min I checked and there was a line, but it wasn't as dark, so I understood that that meant it wasn't O time.
BUT, im not sure whether that means its BEFORE O time, or whether it also goes faint AFTER O time?
Can anyone help me on this please?

Mental Body..

My body is driving me mental! I've been getting tiny amounts of brown since AF went away, and I don't mind it as its such a small amount I don't need a tampon/pad.
But I've also had this really bad neck, woke up Friday unable to look left without pain and nausea. It's slowly been doing away since and today it seems fine.
Also have this weird feeling in my chest, between my ribs underneath the boobs. Its like some popping bubble beating thing, and when I put my fingers there I can feel it moving. It's annoying.

My body just can't be fine for one week! School holidays start next week and I'm going to be run off my feet, I don't need my body making me feel down.

Anyway, on happier notes. :) Had dinner the other night, and it was so good catching up with the three. No babies, no baby talk, just good old girls chat. And of course cocktails! We went to the pub after to meet up with DP and that was fun also, but I felt so sick and tired we left early.
On the weekend I caught up with one of them again at her house, and with her two kids. They were so cute! I had a cuddle and a play and I was fine, it was good. I just felt comfortable.
We all made plans to do dinner again next week. :) Going somewhere flash this time, but not going to town after.

I ordered some OPKs online also, so I will be using them this cycle. I decided I needed them as the chart I had been using wasn't accurate, I think since my last miscarriage all my periods and ovulation have gone off time. So last month it turned out I ovulated much later, so I totally missed the egg!

We have booked a weekend away for our 4 year anniversary in August, and I'm so excited! I will also be ovulating at that time. :P I know that's 2 cycles away so I'm not sure whether I want to do it this cycle or next, be kind of cool having Baby conceived on our anniversary.
Another reason its a special time is because that week is when the Twins were due. I'm sure DP knows this too but neither of us want to say it.

Everyone who reads this should also go to my Tattoos page and put down their thoughts/ideas. I know its my choice, as its for me, but its nice to hear others POV too.