Strange. CD3

Well right when I start thinking "Oh wow AF showed up pretty much on time (1 day late is nothing) and it is actually proper red blood this time, not just the gross brown I had all last cycle."  She likes to surprise me again by leaving just as fast as she came.
Monday night had slightly caramel CM so knew she would be there when I awoke, and sure enough she came on Tuesday. Tuesday was as a normal CD1, red blood little bit of brown, and was medium flow. Wednesday was CD2, which usually is about the same as CD1 for me. But not this time, I had very light flow. Normally after CD3 I can sleep at night with no protection as nothing discharges, but I decided that as Wednesdays flow was so light I would do that early this time and went to bed feeling free.
Today, CD3 I may as well have not wasted a tampon. It was pretty much just brown CM again.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! Before the m/c's my cycles were always on time, about 4-5 days long with first two days being medium flow and the last 2-3 light. After the m/c's the first one was extremely light, the second was late again but heavy for 1 day, medium 2, went away for a day and light for another 4, the third was late again and heavy for 1 day, medium 2 days, light for 4. Whyyy must you be so difficult and unpredictable? :(

Also, just wondering, when you have a light cycle is this because your endometrium/lining whatever you call it  was thin?
This scares me as now I wonder whether it is thick enough for a little eggy to burrow into. :( For someone with endometriosis I never thought I would worry about such a thing. Stupid thing can grow all over everywhere else but can't seem to do its job in the right place properly!

Mental Body..

My body is driving me mental! I've been getting tiny amounts of brown since AF went away, and I don't mind it as its such a small amount I don't need a tampon/pad.
But I've also had this really bad neck, woke up Friday unable to look left without pain and nausea. It's slowly been doing away since and today it seems fine.
Also have this weird feeling in my chest, between my ribs underneath the boobs. Its like some popping bubble beating thing, and when I put my fingers there I can feel it moving. It's annoying.

My body just can't be fine for one week! School holidays start next week and I'm going to be run off my feet, I don't need my body making me feel down.

Anyway, on happier notes. :) Had dinner the other night, and it was so good catching up with the three. No babies, no baby talk, just good old girls chat. And of course cocktails! We went to the pub after to meet up with DP and that was fun also, but I felt so sick and tired we left early.
On the weekend I caught up with one of them again at her house, and with her two kids. They were so cute! I had a cuddle and a play and I was fine, it was good. I just felt comfortable.
We all made plans to do dinner again next week. :) Going somewhere flash this time, but not going to town after.

I ordered some OPKs online also, so I will be using them this cycle. I decided I needed them as the chart I had been using wasn't accurate, I think since my last miscarriage all my periods and ovulation have gone off time. So last month it turned out I ovulated much later, so I totally missed the egg!

We have booked a weekend away for our 4 year anniversary in August, and I'm so excited! I will also be ovulating at that time. :P I know that's 2 cycles away so I'm not sure whether I want to do it this cycle or next, be kind of cool having Baby conceived on our anniversary.
Another reason its a special time is because that week is when the Twins were due. I'm sure DP knows this too but neither of us want to say it.

Everyone who reads this should also go to my Tattoos page and put down their thoughts/ideas. I know its my choice, as its for me, but its nice to hear others POV too.

Stupid Stupid

So as I think I posted AF turned up. I can't remember what night it was, Tuesday I think. But it is now Friday and she's left.
The thing that annoys me is that 1) she came late, and 2) I had 90% dark brown discharge and only 10% fresh blood. Whats up with that? What does that mean? What is my body doing?!

Grrr. Thinking perhaps that doctors appointment might be needed more than I thought.

Still Preparing + NWL

Gaaaah! Still just getting this STUPID brown discharge. Just bleed and get it over with AF! You are my least favourite Aunt. And that's saying something because I only have 2.


Had a very depressing night last night. Had a shower, had a hot drink, ate half a block of chocolate and cried myself to sleep finally at about 1am. Oh the joys of being a TTC woman receiving yet another period.
I thought I hated periods when I was 16-17, well geez I'd go back now if I could! They were a breeze.


I did make another video this morning, which is on my channel now, just to update where I am at. Which is what I like to call No-Womans-Land. Because, I am not a man. Clearly. However that could explain a few things...hahah kidding.
NWL is a special place I am currently residing as I am not "abnormal" enough for the medical system to step in and help, but I am not "normal" enough for my body to just work and have a baby. I'm sure I'm not alone in NWL, but it certainly feels it at times!


I have made a few decisions last night in my anger & sadness.

• I am getting a tattoo. I always wanted one one day when I knew it would mean something, this journey of loss means something to me. I will start a page and show you all some ideas on what I want, and get suggestions in the next few days. 
• I am also going to start a list of stupid things people have said to me during this time that cut deep, or are just plain insensitive. I carry them around with me and they make me angry, so maybe I can stick them to something else and not my mind.
• Friends are over-rated. My best friend has a newborn, 1 month on weekend just been, and I feel like now i'm just this "add-on" friend. She thinks shoving her child at me and me being "Aunty" is helping, look sometimes I just don't want to hold your baby. No, i don't hate him, I just want space. I want to approach this at my own pace. I also am not part of this special club, the 'Mummy Club'. ALL her other friends she hangs out with are Mums, and they go off and have play dates and plan things, but I'm not included. Obvs because I'm not a mum to a live baby. Well, sorry about it. I don't mind they do this, but ALL the time. Her partner is also planning to pop the question, and I was like "oh, wonder if he'll ask for some help and do a big surprise thing." Turns out he is, but no he's not going to ask me for help. He's asking the new best-friend, the one with a baby, though. Nice. Thanks. Excuse me while I plaster my face with a fake smile and plan for what dress I might wear, cause obvs its Mums Club for the bridal party.

I am doing dinner on Thursday night however with some friends that I haven't really spent time with lately. One is a mother to two, but she doesn't rub it in, she knows girl time is girl time and not brag about my babies time. One is a nanny, looks after children like I do. And the other is a miscarriage survivor and knows about my twins loss. So overall, I think I'm pretty excited. :)  DP doesn't like most of them, but DP doesn't like anyone. I swear, finding a female friend he likes is impossible! All of them annoy him in some way. Too bad.

Wow, this post is longer than I thought it would be. I would be able to keep going except I have got to get going to work. Eeek. :) TTFN. Maybe tomorrow AF will grace me with her presence and I will have something to look forward too.

Hurry Up Already!

So AF is taking her time getting here,was due on Friday and now its Sunday with no sign of her. She did that last time too... sneaky bitch. 


Oh well, in the mean time I am enjoying being AF free and not cramping. (Which i'm sure I'll wish I had now instead of during the working week) I am however, slightly reluctant to have a nice cold glass of Midori... just incase. 

AF Gone

Well AF has gone after her visit last week, she was unusually long n heavier which I found strange. Ohwell maybe my body needed it.


Next week should be O week, DP is looking forward to it. Haha, typical males ae.
Started taking my Blackmores Conceive Well tablets again to see if maybe they will help and hopefully get some of my levels up.
Plus for the last month my skin has been really bad in one area and im hoping this will fix it, my hairs also been quite bad. :/ The little things that annoy us ae haha.