Urgh...Do we have too?

The title of this post totally sums up how I feel about BDing. (baby dancing/sex). It is just a chore that I regretfully have to do in order to try have a baby.  If you don't want to read about it, then please skip the next three paragraphs. :)


I desperately would love to WANT to have sex instead of just NEED. But it just ins't like that, it never has been. I've never felt satisfaction from sex, minus one time when someone thought it would be funny to slip me an E, and since the Endo has decided to rear its ugly head its also become painful. And now I'm so turned off that I can't even get 'wet' down there. I don't care if I don't enjoy it, I just want to do it pain-free!
I know DP tries to understand this but its hard on him, and he doesn't understand why when he tries to make a move I say "stop it" and push him away. He just groans, rolls over and sulks himself to sleep. Theres been a few times he's done that and I've cried myself to sleep. I feel like i'm not fulfilling him, like im failing him as a partner. 


If anyone knows anything you can take to increase this drive, please let me know. I'm doing some research to see if maybe I can find something. I had to make this post today, even though its very TMI, but I had to finally be able to tell someone. Nobody else I know has this problem, so nobody 'gets' it. 


I almost feel like i'm stuck in some double-trap. Life won't let me have pain-free sex and then when I brave it Life won't give me the one thing I'm doing it for. Is there some cruel lesson life is trying to teach me?


OK, back to the clean stuff! :) AF is due in 2 days, I'm still expecting her to come knocking. Had the usual symptoms, bad skin last week which suddenly clears up overnight, hunger, tired. Haven't had the cramps yet though, but they usually show the day or night before. Perhaps the pyschic was right and next month is my month? I will hold on to this hope, and perhaps the faith and hope will make it come true. (Pfft, hasn't worked the last few years but hey, theres got to be a time when it does right?)


I really was hoping it would be soon, even if I don't make it to 13 weeks and I miscarry again im just so glad that it will be miscarriage number 3. Now that sounds like a stupid thing to say "Oh im miscarrying, but its ok because it's the third one!" but the NZ health system does not intervene and test/explore for reasons of infertility/miscarriage until you have had 3. Now THAT is stupid. Have they ever been through 2 miscarriages? Do they realise that 2 are enough to send woman into depression, panic, fear, anxiety and anger?  I even tried asking if miscarrying twins could count as 2. Apparently it doesn't. :( Sigh.


Oh well, this is my year. I am determined that 2012 is the year I will become a mum. Obv not give birth, but just in the view that I will make it to the 2nd trimester! 

Tired of Nothing

Well it's one week till AF is expected, and I say expected because I am indeed expecting her. I don't feel pregnant at all. 
Kind of down about it, but I'm so busy at work that I don't have time to even think about it! Plus bestfriend has been visiting few times this week with her NB. Loving seeing him, but I just want my own one. :( 


Found some mega cute crafts online that I want to make, but I don't want when I have nobody to put it on. Is it normal to feel like you don't want to give friends/family with children all the cute things? I mean, I want them for my kid.. so I don't want them having it.. but I feel selfish?


Been thinking so much lately. A while ago I got a reading done via email, all had to do was send my partner & I's birthdates and a picture of us to her and she sent back a reading. The stuff about me sounds very spot on, but I'm hoping shes not right about everything else cause I don't want to wait. And it's weird having it in the back of my mind all the time.
I might add it in as a document sometime if people want to read.


Got an exercycle today also, going to try loose some of my weight around my waist area/hips. Got baby making hips, but they also got  little extra chub round them. :/ I'm not overweight, I weigh about 48-50kg, but I do have some puppy fat. Which obvs might not be helping...


Anyway Im off to eat some scrummy choc ganache I found in my local supermarket and play Xbox Kinect. :) Kinda seems like contradictory actions.


xo Thinker


PS: Also a big HELLO and THANK YOU to my 2 followers. I never expected when I started this to get any! I will return the favour if you have blogs.

:/ Whoopsy... TMI

** WARNING, POSSIBLY A LITTLE TMI**


Well I'm so excited just knowing that MAYBE, just MAYBE I could be pregnant! However if whats going on with me right now is pregnancy symptoms then all I have to say is "WTF!"


I swear this is probably one of the most embarrasing things EVER to happen to me, but tonight for dinner we had Subway. (Mmmm...Teriyaki chicken, bacon, extra smoked cheese, lettuce, tomato, pickles and ranch dressing on Italian Herbs & Cheese)
Well about an hour later after finishing my foot long I thought "Oh need to do a little fart..." well blow me down I followed through... I stood up, accidentally knocked my laptop over and walked quick smart to the toilet. :O Whhhhy?


I'm not sure whether it was the fact I hadn't eaten anything else today, or that my body is just being weird as I've increasingly been having more bowel movements the last few days. But really, are they that bad now I can't even flex my cheeks without a dribble? :/


Other things my body has decided to plague me with this week are insomnia, extreme thirst and dry skin. Like scaly red dry skin..sandpaper. I first thought it was from accidentally putting a product containing something I was allergic to on my face but after moisturising and obviously stopping applying the product its just getting WORSE.


Also having a few language issues this week...brain and mouth not cooperating. I told my boss yesterday "Oh my vibrator just phoned.." :|  Hmm awkward...


Sigh. All I can hope is pleeeeease let this be for a good reason!

What If?

Up at night, insomnia and alone. I am trawling the internet bored and I stumbled across some beautiful photos/quotes and this AMAZING video.
Here I am, watching Drop Dead Diva at 11pm with just my cat curled up on my lap crying quietly so as not to wake DP. 


Just take a few minutes and watch this... what if it changes you?

xo Moved

O Week

So one more week gone by, and it was O time! :P I really wasn't in the mood though as I've been so down lately. We managed to BD twice though, so hoping we caught the eggy. I think we missed actual O night, but go the night before so FX. Might (big MIGHT) BD again tonight in case of late O.


I try using all those fertility apps; My Days, Period Tracker and What To Expect Fertility, but they never seem to match up to each other and just confuse me more. :/ Grr.


My skins also getting really bad this week, my forehead is just blowing up with pimples which is really weird to me. Also had really dry cracked lips and dry scalp so I'm going to check out maybe I'm lacking some vitamins.
I'm really bad at remembering to take tablets so hopefully not ha ha.


I deleted my You tube intro video, I didn't like it so I'm going to make a new one next week. Maybe Tuesday, and I'll post it online and link it here. Then later in the week I'll do an update story and maybe a make-up/style one. I find it hard to do style ones as I wear a uniform 5 days a week so mostly my style is on weekends when DP is home and he doesn't get it.


Anyway, we are going out for dinner soon for my dear dads bday so I best get ready and go get him a present!

New Design/Vlog

So I just started designing the page more so its prettier. Puuuurdy :P
Its always more interesting to read stuff when the page looks good haha.


I've also uploaded my first video onto Youtube. I'll give you a link so you can go watch it if you want, I'm not sure I like the video so if it disappears then thats why. But it will be replaced by a new one that I'm happier with.
I video'd on a bad angle and I wasn't really sure what I was saying haha.


http://youtu.be/e9pklUGTxDA <-- Theres the link. :)

Getting creative

I have decided Im going to start a vlog type thing on Youtube about my journey also. So I will be doing these written blogs and video blogs online too. I've always wanted to have a Youtube channel, and I thought about a beauty/style one but I don't really buy enough clothes regularly or change my makeup around that often enough. Haha.


I have started taking my Blackmores Conceive Well tabs again, think I might have mentioned that last post too, so hoping like heck that it helps. Plus it makes my skin better :P 




:) Oh well, this was just a quick blog post as I've got to jump in the shower and wash off my hair dye.

AF Gone

Well AF has gone after her visit last week, she was unusually long n heavier which I found strange. Ohwell maybe my body needed it.


Next week should be O week, DP is looking forward to it. Haha, typical males ae.
Started taking my Blackmores Conceive Well tablets again to see if maybe they will help and hopefully get some of my levels up.
Plus for the last month my skin has been really bad in one area and im hoping this will fix it, my hairs also been quite bad. :/ The little things that annoy us ae haha.