Wednesday, 16 May 2012

My Journey So Far

Hey guys, well actually atm it's probably more like a "hey nobody" haha.
Well I said i'd write about my journey so far, and thats exactly what I'll be doing. Excuse me if it gets long or rambly. :)

Me & my partner met in 2008 and being silly young ones we were we never used contraception. Funnily enough though, we never got pregnant. This seems odd to me because before I met him I only once had unprotected sex and I fell pregnant that time and had no issues (I had an abortion as I wasn't ready for a child).

In 2009 I was ready to become a mother, I've always wanted to have children, but I didn't say anything to DP because at that time nobody we knew were having kids. By the end of that year we were both wanting to try. We were excited and couldn't wait.

Unfortunately by that stage I had started getting pain with sex, and it was so bad I would be screaming and crying after. Late 2010 I had surgery to remove Endometriosis, and was excited to be able to get back into it.
I don't know whether it's the remaining Endo they couldn't get out, or my mind/body working against me but since then I still have not been able to have pain free sex. I never really enjoyed sex, I never felt anything, but now I can't even get aroused. We did continue to have sex, but it was very rarely only every few months.

In 2011 DP had surgery to remove a large hernia he had had since 2009. Also in 2011 our two best friends, who were dating at the time, announced to us they were pregnant. It certainly hit us like a ton of bricks and DP found it very hard, I know I personally couldn't think how I was going to act so happy around her and the baby. I felt sorry for her however as they lost the baby and their relationship fell apart. She quickly moved on to a new partner and only one month into their relationship she was pregnant again, and they were keeping it. I was crushed, I didn't understand how God could give her a child when she wasn't wanting one (she also already has a child from a previous relationship) and we couldn't even have one after 2 years of trying! DP also felt the same and is still angered when it comes to it. But back to us,  randomly there was a week in October where I was very keen to BD and so we went like rabbits.

December 4 2011 I went to the doctor and we got our first BFP. I was so happy I didn't know what to do or how to tell DP. When he got home from work that night I showed him the test and we cried tears of joy.
We told my parents straight away and I chose my midwife. We went for a dating scan, and we weren't sure what we were going to see on the screen but we both knew the moment we saw it that this wasn't your everyday pregnancy. There were 2 in there, we were going to have TWINS! The shock wore off and we became even more excited. Christmas Eve we told his family, his mother reacted badly and I just felt like running away and crying. Christmas Day we told the rest of my family and they were over the moon.
New Years came and instead of spending my week off celebrating and travelling I spent it curled up on the couch at home and in hospital getting a D&C. Our babies had died at Christmas.

I acted tough and moved through, we started trying again straight away and February 2012 we got BFP number two. I was scared, and didn't want to "bond" with it as I felt like it was going to be taken away. Sure enough, March 2012 I miscarried at home.

Where I live you have to suffer 3 miscarriages before they will send you to see a specialist to search for answers. Do they not understand how 3 miscarriages can tear you apart? I miss my twins every single day and constantly wonder why, why me, why them? Every day I am surrounded by children in my work, but they don't bother me, it's when I log onto Facebook and see "Im going to be a mum!" or the many photos of friends babies uploaded daily that I sit here and cry.

Nobody I know understands what I'm feeling, and nobody can fix it. The only people who know about our journey is my parents and my best friend. (Yes, the currently 8 month pregnant one). And now you :)


  1. I just saw your blog on LFCA and wanted to wish you a warm welcome to the blogging world! I'm sorry about your reasons for joining it, though - I lost a pregnancy in January and it was devastating. I am so sorry for your losses. Wishing you all the best as you continue forward on this journey!

    1. Hi Elizabeth,

      Thank you so much for the kind welcome and well wishes. :)
      Good Luck to you also on your own journey.